| "Precautions
must be taken not only to protect operations from exposure to enemy forces,
but also to conceal these activities from the American public. The knowledge
the Agency is engaging in unethical and illicit activities would have serious
repercussions in political and diplomatic circles." Auditor,
MKULTRA, CIA
1961 (1)
"At the time, Senator Edward Kennedy basically said, "The intelligence community of this nation, which requires a shroud of secrecy in order to operate, has a very sacred trust from the American people. The CIA’s program of human experimentation of the ‘50s and ‘60s violated that trust. It was violated again on the day the bulk of the agency’s records were destroyed in 1973. It is violated each time a responsible official refuses to recollect the details of the program. The best safeguard against abuses and abusers is a complete public accounting of the abuses of the past." Carol Rutz (2) "Given the manual's repeated instructions to probe and exploit the individual mind-frame of the subject--to place "a tap on the psychological jugular"--it would not be surprising to find that yet another MKULTRA project, the PAS, was incorporated into CIA interrogation strategies. The CIA was loath to release its manuals to the American public, but the agency has readily shared its expert opinions on interrogation with military and intelligence forces around the world. In numerous cases both the CIA and the Defense Department have been implicated in the international dissemination of torture and other political terror tactics. The tricks of the trade were often exported to governments who turned the brutal methods against their own civilians. U.S. involvement in this terror trade has been so widespread that its effects can accurately be described as global in scope." Jon Elliston (3) "many, including me, would choose a beating. The effects of most beatings heal. The memory of an execution (mock execution) will haunt someone for a very long time and damage his or her psyche in ways that may never heal. In my view, to make someone believe that you are killing him by drowning is no different than holding a pistol to his head and firing a blank. I believe that it is torture, very exquisite torture." Senator John McCain (4) "Somewhere in the upper reaches of this Administration, a process was set in motion that rolled forward until it produced scandalous results," said Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) yesterday, referring to the shifting government policy on torture. "We may never know the full story, because the Administration has circled the wagons and stonewalled on requests for information. What little we know we owe to leaks, to the initiative of the press, to international human rights organizations, and to a few internal Defense Department investigations, and to Freedom of Information Act litigation." Senator Patrick Leahy (5) Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan called the culture of secrecy "a belief system . . . a way of life" that blurs judgment. By increasing the scope for discretionary judgment, secrecy enhances the rule of man and subverts the rule of law. With the facts hidden, the administration can and does define reality as it sees fit. The White House believes that the president has a "blank check" in the war on terror and is effectively above the law." Joe Pitts (6) "... the 1995 Hearing of
the President's Committee on Radiation, and they say "In
the 1950's and 60's the CIA engaged in an extensive program of human experimentation
using drugs, pychological, and other means, in search of techniques to
control human behavior for counter intelligence and covert action purposes."
In other words, they are training agents, it says here, by using mind control
on them... a 1963 CIA Inspector General's report on project MKULTRA which
was "a program concerned with research and development
of chemical, biological, and radiological materials capable of deployment
in clandestine (secret) operations to control human behavior."
John
Rappoport (7)
The RadioActive Cereal Principle by
Jared DuBois
On the bus I thought of what I would write if I did not think I would get anywhere talking to whoever I ended up having to deal with. I knew it would all come down to what kind of person was working at the embassy that day. Would it be a person who could think for himself, look objectively at the situation before him, go beyond just what he was taught to do, what a manual would say to do, what one could literally say, he was programmed to do? Or would I be dealing with someone who could look me in the eye, really hear what I said, and could have a chance of making up his own mind and make his own decision? Few people can do that. Most think they can but it is so easy to control what they may do by controlling what they know. They knew I was coming. They thought they knew why. They had said things about me and set up expectations, this is what he is, don't pay any attention to him. They thought they knew everything there was to know. But they soon found out that they did not know what I would say, and on many levels, why I was there. They could not know it was the result of years of planning and many many more years of waiting for such an opportunity to come, and it would all depend on one person's ability to really hear and think beyond what he was programmed to do. On the bus, I decided what it would take to get whomever I ended up talking to to jar him out of his complacent programmed response. I did not think it would be easy. Government officials are all the same. If I did not get anywhere, the note I planned to write while on the bus was roughly as follows... *
John Kerry Intern
It is tempting to say being French got in his way. French people are arrogant, smart but arrogant, and think they know everything. I know the type, being French, all the good and bad that comes with it. But such generalizations, prejudices, had a part in my being there, and I try not to think that all the French are dicks, just unfortunately the ones I usually have to deal with and this proved to be no exception. It was a difficult thing to expect anyone to actually think, "maybe something is going on here that I don't understand." What could it have hurt for him to have taken me inside, even into custody, and to hear me out, even if instructed not to? What he could not know, what those in my government would never tell him, even if they knew, and most of them did not, was that the answers I was looking for went back to when I was 6 years old, at least as far as I could tell, and maybe further back than that. For most of my life I had been looking for an opportunity to find out what had been going on. When I was doing the "politics thing," I had hoped to run for Congress and eventually get on an intelligence committee. The one thing I would never do, unlike no doubt others similarly, would have been to join the Company, but I was always looking in other ways for answers. The MKULTRA program and the many others like it since, they are not easy things to get answers to, even if you think you were in it as I did, long before it was made public. Getting into a position to get answers to such questions is not easy, the chances do not come often or last long, and are well guarded. Even members of Congress do not have access to much information, and only a few weeks ago did I learn most of the records were destroyed anyway. "How convenient!" With the US government, those outside tend to think of it as a monolith. That all parts function with each other for a common benefit. Those who know how it really works know there are as many factions within it as there were in the Politburo in the Kremlin; only from the outside view is it one big whole. Even within the CIA, the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. If the left hand knew, it would have to be cut off. Condi Rice's attitude is basically the attitude of the agency, "you don't want to know what we do, we do it for you." Buying into that as Congress does makes them complicit in whatever they do in secret which they are completely protected from ever having to answer for. When the American public accepts that (not that they have much of a choice about it if even the Committee's of Congress supposedly which "oversee" it cannot get answers), it makes them complicit in what is done also. Now Rice wants to make all of our allies complicit in what they do, and of course, without actually telling them what that is, a blank check. They have gotten so many blank checks recently, more than Haliburton, from Congress, from the Press, and even from the American public. Asking the same from the world seems not a much bigger step. Asking even FOR the world, it seems only what we are due for "protecting" it. So Congress can play the shell game of "looking" for answers it never really expects to be told, and probably would not know what to do with if they ever found them out. It is so much easier and safer to remain in ignorance. That was what Part One of The Radioactive Cereal Principle was all about. Stepping outside the bounds of what you are supposed to know, even if you are a member of Congress, can be to violate the Radioactive Cereal Principle, so most members are content to do with that issue what they do with all others; make speeches, look like they are looking into things, as they say at any low paying job, "look busy", and wait for the issue to be ignored like everything else they only have to look into whenever forced to by circumstances or the press. Our wealth allows us to ignore most of our mistakes and the press is actually in a way, as controlled by as few hands as the Kremlin's "full spectrum dominance" of TV news, all state-owned where ours are all owned by a handful of corporations which all have the same "talking points" and run the same stories, mostly decided by what the government and business wish them to focus on. "(This society across the board (certainly, much of the media) pays more attention to the new Xbox 360 than daily developments in Iraq. One cynical TV show host recently groused to me:"Nobody cares about the war. I don't do shows on the war. It's all about getting through the holidays. Shopping—that's what people care about."" (8) And this is the view of those who decide what is and isn't newsworthy for people to hear about, infomercial segments about new products and services passing themselves off news stories.) The NBC News agency's highest news anchor, Brian Williams, recently said he thought it not off-bounds for the government to pay reporters on the side to write favorable stories about them. (9) Evidently there is not as much integrity left in news reporting, a critical public service as well as a necessary component for a democracy to function giving people "informed consent", in the US as there was in the music industry "scandals" in the 1950's of disk jockey's getting paid bribes to promote certain records. That supposedly was dishonest, but now bribing to influence the news reporting is fair game. Government sponsors "owning" of reporters by bribing them is now according to one our "top" journalists, one of 3 of the highest most-visible news voices at one of the most-watched news authorities, now just another accepted and acceptable part of the game. So too is buying up all the stations, whether privately or publicly held, to all run all the same types of stories. Only PBS is the lone source of non-corporate sponsored news, and they have been trying to silence that lone remaining independent voice as much as Putin now supposedly has finally quashed his last remaining TV critic. The irony is, no one watches PBS anyway. But for both sides, it is a matter of the principle. If I had been arrested in America, if the news talked about it, they all would have inevitably taken the same approach, the same angle, and all have given "independent" versions of the same line. Not that the American press is free to decide what to talk about, they have their owners to think about, much less how to talk about it. With coverage of the Wars (plural, and the big one, against "to be announced", could be one country today, a different one tomorrow, even a recent ally, and all the "same war" which is never ending) more heavily restricted than any before, even forbidding the showing of caskets or funerals, it is easy for the administration to bury anything they do not wish to have discussed, almost for any reason since they never actually have to say what that reason is. Going to Europe would be my leverage. It would theoretically have been more difficult to be swept under the rug because I would get at least perfunctorily contact with a police force my government did not completely control, depending on, of course, the country. At the French embassy, I put them into the same position that members of Congress, when they are honest with themselves (and we all know how rare that is!) might admit privately they prefer not to be in, hearing more than they care to know about. I was willing to tell them everything and that was not on the program of how things were supposed to go. They would have had to look into things. That was my plan, but it was no one else's. The safety catches to allow everything to happen exactly as according to everyones plans are well-planned and well-executed, and sometimes people too, all to prevent the lies from becoming threatened by the truth. It is difficult for any who are completely honest to say they know the truth. There are many versions of the truth. I only know my version. It is impossible to prove by standard methods, and that is what makes the lies unthreatenable except by careful examination of what is in my head. That was what I was there for. It is not that the answers are out of reach for me, or that I do not know them, only for them to be recorded in a way that someone might know them to be true, no matter what my government spins (i.e. lies) to contain it. How they have kept such things quiet is not all that different than the Soviet Union. Killing people of course, "extra-judiciously". Then there is the ever popular recently renamed "mentally Yushchenkoed" option, permanent brain damage. Drugging people and putting them in mental hospitals is a good way from here to there, and death by another inmate in prison is always good when you cannot think of anything else. Torturing people without trials or even charges, shipping them off to third countries at enormous expense for no other reason than because they CAN be tortured there (not by us, we only "observe" our pupils doing what we taught them. Do they get better grades for going beyond what we taught or is that a demerit?) is just getting plain lazy but being able to do that whenever and as much as you wish without questions being asked actually reins in the Radioactive Cereal Principle cover-ups, so maybe "progress" is being made these days. As I said in the original Radioactive Cereal Principle, I doubt that it applies to me as I try to be careful about what I know of "current" things to be covered up. In my opinion, that Congress supposedly wanted to know what they did to people like me when I was 6 years old, that supposedly is now fair game. I leave it for incompetent journalists paid on the side by the government to try to get the truth about things my government is currently doing which it should not do, and legally cannot do yet constantly does, and could not survive the truth coming out's light of day if they ever did come out. Yet none of those involved see those cover-ups protecting crimes or subversions of the Constitution, diversion of Congressional oversight or powers, or for advancing what can only be described as One-Man-Rule as being even illegal anymore, anymore than bribing reporters is thought to be illegal anymore. I did say in Part One though that I believe if not for those cover-ups, Bush would have by-now gone out of history the same way as Hitler, by a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. And I stand by that, and all who prevent him from having to do that by continuing covering these things up for him, his adminstrations highest most indefensible crimes, destroy not only everything America used to stand for, but its economy and security as well. Polsci.com was my direct line, not to the Russians, the hackers, or the world, though hopefully such outsiders if they had been watching could have preserved some of it if I disappeared, it was my direct line to the CIA itself, required reading so to speak, a captive audience. But they are programmed even better than I was. In regards to allegations about MKULTRA-type programs of not so long ago, the standard line they take now, and it is hard to say who "they" are anymore since supposedly my government wanted and still wants to know what they did to kids back in the 60's and early 70's, is that such recollections are fictitious "recovered" memories. John Rappoport's talk of how an untracably well-funded former-CIAaffiliated group run NGO against "recovered" memories effectively spins all media coverage about such things turning up is not far off-base. (the False Memory Syndrome Foundation... when were you born, this organization? She said "1992"... have a chapter in every state in 3 years... and in foreign countries they have chapters too. But no foundation money and no government funding... Now on the board of this organization... has been documented to have done all kinds of stuff for the CIA and military on mind control stuff... is on the board at FMSF and so is <>, a Harvard psychiatrist who has done contract work for the CIA in the past."(7) Discrediting you if you try to speak out is still an option, though the least likely to make you dead or a brain-dead moron. Still, I chose to risk the latter two because the first one I did not like either. It was a narrow gauntlet to run, and I did it pretty well for awhile. In my case, they were not "recovered" memories. I could remember at 6, at 7, at 8, and so on. The desire to get to the bottom of things never went away. Even before I got into the political track, in studying psychology, I tried to look up parapsychology studies done in my area at the time. It seems pretty ridiculous to think I could simply go to a library and read a book about it, but then I admit, I don't have all the answers. I just look for them. Not obsessively, but it never goes away, and like I said, they put up a lot of walls to getting them, lots that must be done in a certain order to get to those answers. It could be nothing much was there to be covered up in my case, maybe a lot. The point is, my government is not likely to ever say the truth about many things, and this is probably one of them. What I do remember is a visit to a psychiatrist's office in Springfield, Massachusetts during the winter of 1969/1970. I was taken out of school, a private school so it was not something part of the regular school curriculum or standard government medical program. I was a normal, healthy, well-behaved well-adjusted child with no psychiatric or psychological problems. I was given a ink-blot test and other standard psychological tests. I was also subjected to many ESP tests with a variety of subjects. I also went more than once, also once with by brother as a control subject also where I was supposed to tell what he was thinking or what was happening to him. There was the standard star, wavy line, circle, etc. cards. I was also hypnotized. At least I can 100% say tried to be hypnotized, repeatedly for a long time when it was time to go. Eventually they had to give up and sent me home, and I remembered pretty much everything that went on, at least that day. I asked my brother about it, only a year later, and he could remember none of it, and he was 4 years older than me and should have remembered it more clearly. These were not recovered memories but ones I have had my entire life. The only difference is after the accident, they became much more clearly focused and detailed. I was remembering far more than I ever would have wanted to, as well as just about everything that went on there. When I realized that no one knew exactly what I did and did not remember about then, I realized that would come in handy over the last 2 years. If anyone else currently in the CIA knew what I knew, most I am sure who were supposed to deal with my situation were not given that information even if they still have a record of those incidents, then they would have to wonder what set me off. What activated me. The Russians have always, at least in my life, been the boogie-men. They were around at least at the start of my little escapade of the last few years. I do not know how all the pieces of current things involving me fit together, nor necessarily wanted to. I keep in mind the Radioactive Cereal Principle everyday, but they knew of me before I knew much about them, and I decided to play that card to the hilt. I also considered going over to the Russians, bad as that would have been, and it would have been for me anyway, very very very bad, but at least I would have stood a chance at getting answers which my government would never tell me, or admit to anything else completely honestly without some or much lying, about what was going on around me. They had their cover story, even if it kept changing (that was fun) and more or less had control over how whatever I might have done would be explained and interpreted. They are patient if they know you have nowhere to go and that they must win in the end. They think they always will or must win in the end. Win what does not matter, even if it is a corpse. Even if the world is a corpse. We will still have the moon. To say I considered going over to the Russians plays into a scenario like, "He was a spy, possibly," ("possibly" being if they felt like being nice to me while screwing me over), "unaware he was spying for them." It was a lie they could have made real at their own time and choosing; they may have had back doors to my own head. I felt from the start I was playing my own game, running my own scenario, but when I got to Eastern Europe, I began to doubt that even myself. When I thought someone else might have been affecting my actions which had by that time grown fairly inexplicable, though logically step by step, to even myself, settling into a completely machine-like fearless "super spy" mode, I became fairly suspicious of that myself. But then the Russians really, so far as I can tell, were always on the periphery of what was going on. Only my own government could have helped me get that far, and after the accident, I was pretty much not running on all cylinders anyway, and everything came just a little too easily, which is what made me suspicious enough to try to have to always second-guess even my own behavior. At least if I had gone over to the Russians, though they might have learned what was up with me, they probably would not have shared it with me, but at least I would not have to deal with the whole BS over ESP. In addition to the "he was a Russian spy" crap, my government's key linchpin in all arguements aimed at discrediting me as being just nuts would be augmented by my mentioning ESP, yet it is a key factor for explaining why so much of it happened as it did. They study it, but it does not exist. The MKULTRA program (not called that in my day), existed but anyone who thinks they were involved in it is crazy. The Russians do not have to lie about it as much. They never unlike the US, had to pretend to have to stop looking into such things, how to control people, though in our case, they just most likely moved it outside of our borders. The Russians were fairly open about what they could do. They had people on TV who could move balls around a flat table by moving their hands over it. They were far behind what I could do, but then what I could do came later. I don't know what I could do at 6 years old but was curious later to find out. The tests they did on me, I continued to do on myself. As far as I know, my last exposure to ESP testing was at 6 years old, and that makes sense because I moved away from the area and the programs were supposedly shutdown by the government shortly after when some of the worst abuses started coming to light. When my computer was hacked, when I was living a far different life, albeit one I could not afford any more than my current much more modest life, one of that of a rich person in Hawaii, I thought I had nothing to be concerned about. Life was good, my situation was about as unsustainable as the current geopolitical/environmental situation, but while living la dolce vita, you can easily forget about tomorrow, even if you are not the CEO of Enron. And if you are and you know it will not last, all the more reason to *uck over the planet even more because it won't matter long anyway. When I moved to Hawaii I vowed to stay there until humanity destroyed itself, while I did nothing, and maybe got drunk afterwards. I thought if I cared about nothing, I had nothing to worry about. That makes me sound like a bad person, though I was not and was an agreeable sort who got along with everyone. Like so many others, I just gave up on the rest of the world outside my own little paradise and life. The hackers intruded upon my little dose of unreality, and it was welcome. "Sitting in Limbo" by John Cruz was my theme song. I was about as much use to anyone there as Bob Dylan's ridiculously expensive super-fast car I saw him driving one day, on an island with almost no roads other than 2 lanes (at the time) and nowhere for me to drive even my lowly-by-comparison Corvette above even 70 miles an hour for more than a few seconds, never mind the hundreds of miles per hour of Dylan's car could do, theoretically, just not there, ever. So I was flushed out of paradise and back into the "real" world I wanted no part of. To be fair, the people of Hawaii, their kindness, lack of malice, suspicion, everything un-American by the new America defined by GWB, renewed my faith in humanity as it could be, and I left there pretty much thinking everything could be fixed everywhere else in the world to be more like there, and easily, and soon. Spreading the Spirit of Aloha to the rest of the world. Well, then there was that severe head injury too... After realizing I had been hacked, ostensibly I was lead to believe, by people connected to the Russian Mafia, more likely those connected to LEA or CIA pretending to be the Russian Mafia (I did pretty much rule out RM interest in me later though I am sure the FSB will keep an open file on me for the rest of my life) or computer nerds much more sophisticated than myself (my computer skills I like to leave undocumented though not really threatening to anyone, though none can prove that, I have earned my Neo) who on any given day would pretend to be either the Russian Mafia or the CIA depending on which side of the bed they woke up on. Like I said, it did start with something to do with the Russians somehow, though how I doubt anyone would ever tell me exactly what was going on, only electronically paths were crossing and they may have paid at least one visit to Hawaii. It seemed like I was an easy target for blackmail, living a life I could not afford, semi-legal but then so aren't most Congressmen. (I leave out saying "Congresspersons" because women probably have to be better people to be elected.) The thing about not giving a *uck about anything, a bring-it-on attitude toward whatever fate had in store to try to get me to budge from my indifference, there was something that I had overlooked besides my computer security. The first thing I thought of when realizing I had been hacked, far earlier than actually having proof (I do perceive things a bit ahead of actually being able to explain how I know things), the first thing I focused on what that could possibly mean later was my one and only meeting with Senator John Kerry in his office in Boston about 12 years earlier. "*UCK!" was pretty much the immediate response. A chain of coincidences that happened that day and years later pretty much left me screwed if Kerry became the Democratic nominee in 2004, which you exactly did not need ESP to know would happen even back then in 2002. As I said in Deconstructing the Universe, once you realize the potential in and for something and everything that happens after that happen all at once or not at all. That moment in Hawaii, that meeting with Kerry many years earlier, all connected to me going to school in the former Soviet Union a year later. They all were connected on the same line, and I knew where that line had to go years later. It ended in the French Embassy in Estonia, and it ended badly for me, though not the worst way it could have gone. I survived the election, got my degree, and though I was about to be homeless, had my picture taken too obviously in my face and the camera handed to a person in a waiting car, it had, needless to say gotten a bit offtrack from where I hoped to end up, with answers, though it went about as far as I could see it going back then in Hawaii. For awhile I just said "*uck it, I am boxed in, nothing I can do." How and why if I could even begin to explain how I could be sucked into the election, the Willie Horton of 2004, is as difficult to explain as how I would start to have been planning accurately how things should be done to affect what no one could reasonably have expected would be the case years later. I just don't wait for things to have to happen before I react to them. An entire chain of events and would-be events started coming together in my head then and few of them pointed to anything good. That changed because I had gotten digital cable with over a hundred channels for my giant-sized HDTV and preferred German news over the constant pro-war pre-invasion propaganda which passed for "unbiased" American journalism, which has only gotten unbelievably worse since then. Since I had been been a Political Science major before starting my own computer software company which in less than 2 years ended up having programs featured in all the major PC magazines and recommended top downloads on the major online services (shameless plug), I was following the European Union expansion with great interest. DWTV, the German news channel in English, ran a series of shows each of which featured soon-to-be new member states, a +10 set of stories in addition to the regular news stories. If I had not seen the story on Estonia, just as if I never met Senator Kerry, I would not have ended up begging for someone to listen to me in the French Embassy in Estonia two years later. Like I said, it is difficult for me or anyone to talk about ESP. It makes everyone roll their eyes and just say you are nuts. It is easier for them to do that than getting them to have to rethink everything they think the know about the world as conveniently explainable as the lowest common denominator their country would like them to stay at, while that same time that government which maintains such things do not exist is free to do "whatever it takes" in research to find out 1) what is it, and 2) how can we use it as a weapon. It is amazing that they EVER care about anything else, but then with weapons being a multi-TRILLION dollar industry, easily the largest and most profitable industry on the planet when you count arms, research, biologicals, and chemicals, personnel, supporting industries, bases, etc, the numbers show everything else (combined) that people concern themselves with or do will always be of secondary importance. Nonetheless, when I saw the story on Estonia, all the pieces began to fit together. It featured the "quaint little college town of Tartu." When I watched it, I remembered going to school there. If not there exactly, then a school somewhere like it. As surely and as completely as if it had already happened. Needless to say, it was not likely to happen. Though rich on the outside, nice sports car, expensive condo, doing nothing but watching movies and playing video games on the best if not the most expensive TV ever made, I really did not have a pot to piss in much less any way to get to go to school in Estonia, nor did I have I passport, nor did I think I could get one. There was the whole hacking incident, and getting dragged into the election to avoid. And to top it all off as I contemplated how to get from here to there, one thing became predominately and damningly clear. "I would have to be poor, very poor." Not that I would have a choice about it for long. That pretty much summed it all up. Getting poor did not seem to warrant being a problem. I seemed on one-way downhill ever since the dot com bust which busted me as well. Debts up the kazoo, no real way to maneuver after the War in Iraq, yet also, the only way forward to achieve everything I needed to do would be to literally fly as close to the sun as possible. That day I stopped opening up my mail and pretty much resigned to let fate take its course. Fate takes many forms. In my case, fate was driving a car, and that car crossed the center line, and also the right lane, hit me, knocked me 5 feet in the air and I landed on the pavement head first. As weird as things had been up to that point, they were about to go into overdrive. The accident pretty much left me out of sorts for a good year or so. By the time I was back in top form, I was coincidentally or not, a college student in the former Soviet Union, in Tartu, watched intently not only by the CIA but also most likely the FSB, the local spooks there and in another previous Soviet Republic, and that was believe it or not, all according to the plan. It was where not only I had wanted to be, but needed to be. But that was still a ways away while lying on the ground with my head bleeding, staring up at the clouds as the sun was setting on Maui. The police said not to move, asked me who I was. Amazingly I knew but it was like someone else was talking. I answered and I answered correctly. They asked if I knew where I was. I was pretty proud I knew the answer to that one to. I said I was on Maui. That was a little more vague than they had hoped. Yes, I knew that I was on a island somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a planet called Earth. To me that was a good answer. They were hoping I knew more details than that. In the ambulance I sort of lost track of time, literally. They got worried because I kept asking the same questions over and over again, unable to make new memories of what they were telling me. That was bad. Really bad. They were relieved when it stopped and told me I was now not repeating myself like a blithering idiot. It seems after a severe head injury, that is not a good sign of how things are going to go next. Things got better and worse after the accident, pretty much culminating about 2 weeks later when I spent the entire day in bed unable to stand up or stop everything from spinning and was pretty sure there would be no more days after that. The accident was the final major piece of the puzzle. It was enabling and debilitating at the same time, but the debilitating things were key to how it was enabling. I could not remember everything. I could remember other things which happened many many years ago as clear as if they happened yesterday. As far as work goes, I was a basket case. I could not understand my own sourcecode. I could read things I wrote and not remember writing them. I would get emails of people asking questions about my programs and I could not remember how to answer their questions any more than they knew. For anyone, this would be in a bad position to be in. With what was on the periphery with me, it was downright dangerous. In my own words, I forgot how to do math. I could add, but the higher math needed to write programs, as well as specifics about my own programs, how they worked, sourcecode which I never thought to actually annotate to say what they heck the routines were for or supposed to do, I was pretty much lost and winging it, and gave a lot of refunds. But head injuries are weird things. Wiping the slate clean a bit is like a clean desk. You can start to build again, find new ways to reorganize things. That is what happened with me. I lost things but my brain started to rewire itself. Things in the past suddenly became much clearer. Most memories are like looking down a highway or guests sitting on the couch on a talk show. The most recent ones sit closer to the host, and then move down sequentially with each new guest that comes on. For me it was like it curled and they were all the same distance away from the host, all equally fresh for awhile. I began to remember clearly things that had happened in that office in Springfield when I was 6 years old. The elevator lobby that faced west where I could see the sun setting while waiting for the elevator before I went home. The silver pocket watch (cliche I know) that was used to try to hypnotize me. While I always prided myself that I was "unhynotizable" as a child, little did I know I was only remembering half the story of once when I was not. The 5 suspended balls on his desk where if you lift one or two it knocks one or two at the other end up while the other ones do not move. Putting things in boxes and asking if I could see what was inside the box. (That time was referred to on my web site, the "Nuclear" one, Polsci 4, in "Seeing through the box, Pandora's third try with eyes wide open") There was a lot of references to things others could have pieced together in the 5D notes, and more importantly, they were a means to try to map my own mind as it was rebuilding. A lot of what I wrote in the notes I was asleep when first thinking of or had just woken up and was semi-conscious. They are notes to myself and provided a good way for me to get a handle on my own thoughts. I can say I believe what happened to me and my little road trip through school, the EU, and the FSU was my own concoction. It was certainly well thought out, planned, (as much as someone that out-of-sorts could plan anything) and telegraphed well ahead of time, but as I mentioned above, it is my own perspective. By the time I ended up in the French Embassy, I was as curious as anyone else what might have been going through my head. Then, as when I was 6 years old, I know what I knew was probably at best only half the story, if that. Without an exact quote, there was a message on a newsgroup about the new Star Wars movie which said, "don't you just love premonitions which cause you to do things to avoid them happening which cause them to happen which you never would have done if you did not have the premonition in the first place. The force must be one cruel bitch!" After the accident, closer to it than away from it, I was getting very smart again but in a way completely uncontrollable. Nothing of the semi-conscious ideas which I had begun writing down got its teeth into me more than what became 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple (not in this case a shameless plug because it became integral to setting up everything that followed as much as outside factors did), something I woke up writing and continued obsessively working on literally until and after I was thrown out the door for not paying rent for not doing anything else except working on it. It was not exactly a compulsion because I did not really enjoy working on it as I mention in the notes, its just I could not not work on it. Some would say, that a compulsion alright. I was a bit turning into Phillip K. Dick more than I should have (I found out about him much later), but I knew that somehow someway that whatever-it-was was going to be important later. On one hand, it was a symmetrical logic puzzle of dimensions, and it fit in with what I was remembering, how to think 4 dimensionally, (I had been given a 3D puzzle as a very small child and used an inverse view to remember how it fit together internally so I could do it instantly in a few seconds where adults would have to think about it. It combined an internal and external view at the same time like the people kissing/vase negative space picture, only 3D dimensionally instead of only in 2 dimensions, like the vase/kissing picture) and I was as sure as I was in having/will have gone to school in Tartu, that where that book was going or what it was leading to would be more important later (at the very least, it was something that would have to be dissected even if it was gibberish. It was actually probably bit of both, but important in how it meshed up with other things going on) than just being able to impress the Russians if need be by doing more than just showing I could move balls around a table. I am sure they progressed beyond that over the last 30 years if I could outdo that 30 years ago. Physics is something I have been drawn to all my life but Albert Einstein kept me away from it with a single sentence. "If I had known what I know now about what I was on to, I would rather have become a watchmaker." I was far thinking enough to think that I never wanted to wish I would rather have become a watchmaker. Such things guided me all my life, but then I was a little off my game at that point, trying to fit as much together about absolutely everything before I literally would get kicked out the door. There are many reasons to think my little road trip might had been someone elses idea first. At some level, someone in the government must have been aware that what I was doing was a bit odd, and that I would not stop until I got some answers. I don't blame others for what I did, and I think it was actually pretty damn good, though admittedly many probably wanted to shoot me (I know it was probably considered :-), but that was all part of it. I could not, once knowing so many things might have happened, eventually will have come to be or not come to be, and not gone at least a little bit down that road to see if such things were really possible. And believing they already had occurred or would have to occur actually became a factor which made them possible, in ways far beyond just planning to do something and having it happen. Many things many others did would have to come together exactly as they did as well. That is why, to this day, I say Russians never had a position to affect keeping me going as my government did or at least was in a position to influence my income (mostly negatively :-( though it can of course never be proven) and certainly could have at any time shut off my bank account more easily than Saddam Hussein's. But how I ended up in Europe was a chain of events beyond anything even any all-powerful President-CIA partnership could rig or even think up, even with cooperation from the Russians. It was super-weird. I ended up being able to go to Europe only because I believed I was leaving for Europe. If I was not so completely out of touch with reality believing I was leaving for Europe without absolutely any means to get there, the means to get there would never have materialized without having believed that. Figure that one out. That and because I was a lousy packer. On the day I was supposed to leave Hawaii, I had such a mess, so much to do that I never would have been able to make my plane, so I just gave up. I called the airline, said I could not make it and was lucky to be able to go a week later. Then I called the insurance company I had been dealing with about the accident, and because of the extra week alone did it happen, and said that I was leaving for Europe in a week and if they were able to give me a quick settlement of $5000 for lost wages, I would drop any suits in an accident that was clearly not my fault. I was not lying. I was, in my own head, about to leave for Europe, just on the money they had not given me yet, and would not have, if I had not been going to Europe. It was a weird cause/effect loop but made complete sense to me at the time. Since I was being forced to leave Hawaii, American law said that I was also about to lose any hope of being able to sue and receive even a penny anyway. Corporations can, and sometimes do, kill by accident or negligence many poor people. The only people it costs them money for maiming, crippling, or even murdering is when those people can afford lawyers or the lawyers will work for free, or put off charging them for a huge (1/3 to 1/2) cut of their eventual settlement. Any harm to anyone else, they can and often do, get away with murder, literally and figuratively. So magically and serendipitously, believing I was going to Europe self-validated itself at the absolute very last possible moment, like I knew it would have to. I had years of shit in my head of how things would go and all of them said I was going to Europe, so how exactly I was going to get there I did not pay much attention to, and amazingly enough, it turned out that I did not have to. It had to work out, so it did. Can I be that assured of anything now? No, I would say that is nuts. But then lots of things were just working out, and had to, and I just went along with it amazed it was unfolding in a predictable way for me and that probably made everyone else wonder, if it was not set up by them either, could he really be that nuts? Yes, and no. I did have a plan. The plan was, if possible to go to school, and try to avoid getting sucked into the election. Going to school on the border of Russia would make a lot of people curious about why I was there. They would have to look into things. The people who hacked into my computer for instance. They might even dust off an old file of what was going on in the 1960's/early 1970's in Springfield. Though I cannot prove it, I think it a reasonable assumption the names of those they experimented on, that many potential ticking time bombs, the list of the people involved would not have been destroyed along with the details of what was done to them, and I had plenty of reason to suspect I would be on such a list. And if such a list did exist, the Russians also might have a copy of it as well. I would put my toe in the water in Russia and try to get a feel of which way to go once I got there. Russia is a very screwed up place at the moment, but getting better. No surprise there for those who have studied it, and I have for many years now. Lots of reasons why things turned out for them as bad as they did, how the people there got screwed by their own crooked leaders as much as by the US's "help", not all of it intentionally disastrous, but not all of it ingenuous either. Needless to say, I got the feeling Russia is not ready for someone like me, and even my own country wonders sometimes why they have not gotten rid of me yet. They had let me go this far I believe because they were always confident I would have to come back. Once they suspect that they may not get me back, then I really am in trouble without help, and that is where this little bio comes in. It will take big guns just to keep me on the outsider's path I began when I left Boston 2 years ago on what was designed to be an 17 year round trip, hopefully back eventually to settling on Maui and learning to surf before I am too old, mid-fifties by then, not too shabby. The road may go through Russia, India, the Middle East, and of course, Geneva, but it is not supposed to go any other way back to the US yet if I can prevent it. I have gone too far and too many knew too much about me even back then, probably. The trip was more or less unplanned the whole way. I knew where the schools were, eastwards, and I knew I would go to Moscow, and that alone would set off alarm bells all over. After Moscow I ended up back in Lithuania where I had been a week or so earlier and used up practically every dime I had left to get an apartment. The ability to do orders on the road was something also unplanned but necessary and only through several coincidences was that worked out, again pretty amazingly, and thus that allowed everything else to become possible that had to happen for me to stay in school, which for me was old hat, though it had not actually happened yet. Back then like throughout, I was making the bare minimum to get by, not enough to allow me to consider any other course of action, but it was enough to live like a normal person at the time, take buses, ride a bike, study Russian. Being on the border area, a lot of the TV channels were in Russian and I prepared myself for studying it later in Estonia, while others studied me. When said person or person's tried to hack into my computer again in Lithuania, I did not get their IP address (I did but lost it) but I am sure those who were watching me did. They really ought to teach people to photograph clothes in drawers before moving them. I have nothing against anyone but anyone who tries to hack into my computer is building their own set of problems which really has nothing to do with me. I must again go over the doubts I had in Lithuania. I had, though useful, severe uncertainly of my memories. In computer terms, the CRC values of my memories did not match. I had the attention I wanted, Interpol, thus meaning it would become unlikely I could be used as a political tool. If anyone had been trying to disrupt my income by hacking, if they knew too much about me, maybe that would be looked into also. Staying out of the election if it was ever a risk at all, was best done if it looked like I was actually trying to get involved. A variable is only a variable if you don't know what it is going to do, and if you don't, it is best to leave it alone if you don't feel like killing it. But because it all worked out pretty much as I expected, though I did not expect to be in Lithuania, it was all workable within the context of what I was aiming to do, and if it did not work out, at least I had a story to tell and a chance to control the spin my government might wish to put on it, even if they were not involved, though if they were, they were in it knee deep. School was what it was. It was not unfamiliar to me, simply falling back into the same groove. Since I could not really understand how to write programs anymore, I figured it made sense that I was aiming to retrain myself in something that did not require math. It was logical. Everything was logical and more importantly, explainable. Being explainable was important because it was important that even if everyone else did not know exactly what I was up to, that it be something that could be easily summarized in a single piffy paragraph (that's all bureaucrats understand anyway) to set everyone at ease I was not dangerous while still giving them reason to keep investigating me. It was not exactly in line with the Rational Choice Theory, but not much I do ever is. In my book, and in many others, if you think someone is following you, turn around. If you think someone is chasing you, confront them. Once you start running, you never stop. Like me or not, everyone who bothered to look knew I was always willing to commit. Why and to what was just what was ambiguous and purposely meant to be so. While going to school, I began remembering more and more of what led me to get there. My rewired brain found new ways to do higher math again, but the past, at least the recent past was still somewhat blurred. I could remember it all eventually, but through an opaque window, as if remembering someone else's life. I had brought my notebooks with me, fortuitously, and they helped me remember what I was thinking and what was going on in my life when I wrote those things. Many questions were left unanswered, and still are, but it is up to others how much they intend to clue me in on what was going on in the periphery to me. The Russians have many answers but won't necessarily clue me in. My government, as one of my heroes, Chief Joseph would say, though not in these words, is incapable of speaking without a forked tongue, especially in matters like these, and especially these days more than ever when the lies are no longer expected to be believed, just reported as if they were truth, and they expect everyone to know they have no choice but to accept them because that is all they will ever get, unless they want to risk getting into serious trouble. Maybe serious trouble found me, maybe it was fate. It was fun, though trying, and not always settling. What I remembered from Springfield was things which never should have happened to anyone, and that it is forever denied, deniable, means it is never lessened, never slowed, and certainly never stopped. The secrecy is its protector, its parent, its God. Attacking the entire notion that such things can be done privately and not have it affect you, taint you, poison your very culture, that is the only way to gain back any ground which is lost every second of every day anyone is convinced it is better, safer, prudent, to look the other way and not ask tough if not suicidal questions. The only thing that makes those questions suicidal, like those who would challenge a bad regime, is that most are cowered away from doing so out of fear of losing their homes, their jobs, their children, their lives, or the lives of their families. That is what the terrorists hope to make you afraid of. It is also what governments, especially my own at times, like to hold over you as well to keep you from looking where you should not into things it decides for its own reasons and its own protection alone, that you should never find out about. Nothing I have said here is provable. The truth seldom is. I could say something about faith, but that goes against much that I believe philosophically. You should not have faith in anything anyone else tells you to believe, tells you what was. You should only have faith that you might be able, once you find and eliminate all the strains of conditioning and propaganda you have been exposed to all your life to frame all facts and ideas you might ever be exposed to, once you can get above all of that, to have faith you can decide for yourself when someone is telling the truth or not. All I wanted from the French was to be heard, to be given a lie detector test, to be drugged if necessary, hypnotized if necessary, to have my head opened up and *ucked with one last time on the condition that I be shown a video record of what had been going on while they did so, and that it would end after that. The Russians would not give me that option of outside checks. My government would certainly not and has the power to say anything I know, even about my own past, might be classified, though I never have and never would have willing worked for them any more than the Russians. And I do know, though they would never admit it, they would eventually put me in the same position at least once, with nothing to prevent them from going back to that as much as they wish, for no one would be able to stop them, and no one other than them is supposed to be able to care or investigate. As with China, it is "an internal matter only". And of course, "that America would never do that sort of thing," even if we did and still do. Prove it. Can't? Well then... I figured I could go through it once with a government who, if they had believed me, if they found that this or a large enough portion had occurred and could be verified by my own testimony under extreme pressure, that they might have after that gone to the wall to protect me. The French, cowards that they may be in other matters, of all countries might because not only it was wrong but because being French I thought they might have a little latent nationalism that might, on rare occasions, not always be a bad thing and could help protect someone whose own government they no longer had reason to completely trust, and that government would never do anything but lie about it. I am not claiming to be a victim nor a saint. I saw an opportunity to expose a few things and went for it without reservation for my own reasons, and because circumstantially it was so clear it could lead to something good in the end, and that if exposed it would be worth whatever I might have risked to get there. And not doing so, like not writing this, was actually riskier. After being unceremoniously told to leave the embassy before getting to say anything (after having given them the note that is. I am aware that it set many things in motion), I said as an empty threat, "Maybe I will try the Russian embassy next then." I felt all along I was being pushed in that direction if it was not my own design, my own plan, but was not willing to be pushed there at that time. I certainly had been pushed out and was not willing to risk going back to my own country after being so close to being able to finally get real answers after working so hard and getting so close. After that, things eased up a bit. I did get some answers shortly after. My income which went to zero inexplicably right when my lease was up giving me nowhere to turn was suddenly working again, and my family rallied to the rescue to prevent me from becoming homeless. As my sister put it, "Oh great, you have a degree but not a country, good going." I have a country. It is still my country. It is just not ready or safe for me at the moment any more than Russia would be ready or safe for someone like me, other than as my country would see me now, as merely data. Also when I sold my computer back home immediately after that, I decided on two prices, one if it ended up being bought by Russians since I had to use my own local computer (monitored) to take out the ad, another of what others might pay for it, not having to travel so far. I split it down the middle and put "or best offer" just in case it was too high. It turned out to have supposedly been bought "by Russians living in Belarus" but they waited an entire week and haggled a better price so I don't think I asked too little for it. It is not that unusual though. Where I live in America, most used computers get bought by Russians from Belarus on vacation since Russians there make up .0001% the population in that area. (Mostly likely it was a ruse by my government, and the government would have swapped the hard drive long before that if it wasn't or not let them out of the country if anyone tried to go that far to get it. No matter who, I saw it more as attempted intimidation than for information, or maybe there actually is a such a bad computer shortage in Belarus they need used overpriced ones from me. :-) I was non-plussed. Having lived for a year and a half in Estonian, anyone with $50 to spend could have afforded to have me killed and if being told I was an American, probably would have with many dropped the price to free. When I got there, I fully expected to have been killed by my own government and have it blamed on the Russians. They showed restraint. I was impressed. I am not easily impressed, but know now, slowly, things are improving. I just don't count on living long enough to see the payoff. Things went pretty much off track from how they were supposed to go before I got to the embassy there. That was a last ditch effort to patch together what had gone wrong. I had 6 objectives why I went back to school, and had achieved by that time 5 so I had not fared badly. It was just the answers I had been denied, and still have been. In a sense withholding them makes me a perfectly trained little monkey, a carrot on a stick, yet while I live, though not obsessing, will not deviate from any course which leads to answers eventually, so long as they don't drag me too much through the mud or take me somewhere I would not have wanted to go otherwise. If my country had the same guidelines in how they approach the War on Terror, they would have a lot less problems and be due a lot more respect. Instead they have the antipathy and disgust of the world and that was not paid for on the cheap either, but at the cost of everything we had done a pretty good PR job to them and to ourselves on what we really stood for. We still keep up the rhetoric, but it is becoming every day more and more an obscene farce. We don't torture. We just watch others do it for us and pay the plane fare to get them there and do the kidnapping of them to get them there, in countries that have nothing to do with what they are accused of, not that formal charges have to be made. When you cannot see yourself for what you are, you have less compunction about telling everyone else how great you are, even after you slowly become a hideous monster covered in blood, trying to publicize and sell other countries on the "positive" benefits of torture, martial law, pre-emptive wars, the suspension of civil rights, privacy rights, and of course, human rights, all the while proclaiming that you are the greatest champion of these rights and protections on earth, and everyone ought to thank you for all the great work you do in the cause to promote them.
It is no secret that I wish to try to begin to turn that around and from
outside both my government and its reach, not that there is a corner or
inch of this earth that the current administration does not see as its
right to try to control or influence. And I know how to do it, though not
as clearly as how I did when I came this far, and know, inevitably, even
if I did have a complete plan, did know clearly, something would then as
now have come up which would slowly make it all unravel anyway, and that
would be for the best, no matter how good the plan might otherwise had
been. Making things up as you go along is not only necessary, it is how
it should be. No one ought to think they have the right to decide how people
should live or what the world will be like 50 year later or even
5 years later. That is for everyone to decide together when that time comes.
I only know how to frame the dialog in a non-ideological and non-partisan
way, and I know if not where I will be 5 years from now or even 2 years
anymore, where I ought to be, and have a clear road to get there if my
government and the others in question let me, and also if any who would
have done nothing to stop me so far continue to wait and see. I doubt whatever
it is I do with the time won't be worth the time, though. I promise nothing
but can do much, the reverse of politics.
1) 2005 Whitehead John W.
2005/05/18 A Nation Betrayed: Secret
Cold War Experiments Performed on Our Children and Other Innocent People:
An interview with Carol Rutz :
2) 2005 Whitehead John W.
2005/05/18 A Nation Betrayed: Secret
Cold War Experiments Performed on Our Children and Other Innocent People:
An interview with Carol Rutz :
3) 1999 Elliston Jon
1999/ 03 THE CIA AND TORTURE ON THE RECORD,
PART 2 :
4) 2005 McCain, John 2005/11/13
Torture's Terrible Toll :
5) 2005 SECRECY NEWS
2005/02/03 SECRECY NEWS from
the FAS Project on
6) 2005 Pitts, Joe W.
2005/10/01 SECRETS, LIES & TORTURE :
President Bush's Penchant for Secrecy Is Moving Us Toward a Closed Society
7) 200? Rappoport, John, The CIA, Mind Control, & Children, CKLN-FM Mind Control Series -- Part 10, Ryerson Polytechnic University, Toronto, CA 8) 2005, Corn, David
2005/12/07 That End-Of-Empire Feeling
9) 2005, Media Matters, 2005/12/05
NBC anchor Williams: Bush administration has "right"
to buy media coverage
© 2005 By Jared DuBois
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