For those who never had it

My New Dodeca-Toy and How It Potentially Aligns My Futures and Pasts

As I stated in RCP2, when I was around 4 or 5 years old I had a way of looking at objects dually, both from the outside, as we all do, and from the inside at the same time, or as inverted negative space. This made doing a 3D puzzle I had from any angle as easy as breathing. It was not literally 'seeing through' things, but understanding positive and negative aspects of objects equally.

Flash forward some 30 some odd years later: while writing 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple, I had written myself into a box. The discussion of the characters came around to how from a 4D perspective it would appear to be able to 'see through' 3D objects,(seeing all six sides of a cube for instance, equally distant away in front of you, and having that portrayed as somehow seeing through them), as several books on the subject wrongly infer. Yet it made no logical sense, seeing 'through' solid matter. However, I could not pinpoint the cause of the 'paradox' of how both points of view were seemingly correct, how it would and would not be 'seeing through' 3D objects, both at the same time. That is, until I thought of inversion, or curved spaces.

It is possible to see all 6 sides of a cube at once, without seeing 1mm through its walls, and we do it everyday, from the inside. Sit in the corner of any room and you can see all 6 sides spread before you. 4D sight, in thought examples, is like bending slightly 3D space, or as stated in the book, from slightly outside of it like tilting a 2D plane to see inside the insides and outsides of squares at the same time which you cannot do while 'in line' with that plane, and 3D objects would disappear from such a perspective, tilting the view out of a 3D triplane, if they did not possess some 4th dimensional value.

So it would be from such a tilted perspective looking at what would have to be 4D objects differently than we see them, our seeing only the 3D aspects of them, but not in any sense would it be 'seeing through' matter. It was all so simple at that moment and the 'paradox' just vanished. This does not get into all of the details, though that chapter you can see by clicking here. But it occurred to me then thinking over the problem again and again while sitting at my “thinking spot,” on Maui that I suddenly realized this, or sort of, without exactly thinking of it in these terms yet.

“OK, I will need a cube and a ball,” I thought excitedly, and literally jumped up and raced to buy ones as quickly as possible. I even tried to buy some on the way home on my bike, but was disappointed at each store I stopped at, and had to wait until I could get to my car. I had to drive all the way to Kahului (very fast, and without delay, and to buy toys! :-) because I could not find a ball the right size which I could draw on, nor a cube either.

The only cube shaped object I could think of was a Rubik's Cube, which I bought for about $5 at K-Mart. That was very good for conceptual purposes because it had different colors on it for each of its sides. For the ball, I bought a blue Squash ball and proceeded to draw 6 lines on it, without really understanding why at the time. I only knew that I had to try to put the cube on the ball, which was actually how I was trying to look at it. The first line was drawn from an arbitrary point marking a north pole to what would be the equator, 1/4 of the diameter in length. Then another quarter of the diameter along the equator, and making a 90 degree corners all around until coming back to the top. I knew that was what I had to do, but not why. Then I studied it to understand how that related to the problem.

My journey to Europe to University studies and to a political asylum hearing, both equal reasons for going before I left, began about a month after that. The original intent was to do the asylum hearing off the bat, when it actually was possible to be granted, and then go to school after that. But that would have delayed my studies for at least a year. While in Europe, I then saw that it was possible to go to school first, though unlikely, but workable, so the asylum thing did not come until the end. I only mention that here because all through my travels across Europe from France to Russia and back, probably the most cherished possessions I had with me, and always nearby in sight, were a blue ball with lines drawn on it and a Rubik's cube. I added a third toy to complete the trio, a pencil sharpener globe I bought in Lithuania for about a dollar. (There actually was fourth toy, a larger very heavy ball I used to draw shapes on and measure distortions in angles caused by the curvature but it was too heavy to bring along with me as my luggage was already too expensively overweight.)

With my thinking still stuck on inverting 3D space in Lithuania, I 'discovered' the idea of the 'anti-pole' though it was already known to many others. It is even possible I may have been exposed to the concept before and had forgotten about it, but my thinking at that time necessitated understanding the concept and would have come up with it even if no one else had before. Once understanding the anti-pole concept, the Dual-Earth sculpture idea was pretty much immediately self-evident.

The easiest way to understand it, curved 3D space, would be to have one earth you would see normally, plus another outside of it, the same one of course, inverted backwards opposed to it, and every single point on a 'ball' or curved 2D plane of points half way in-between the Earths would be exactly the same spot. I was pretty full of myself for figuring that out, and since when leaving Lithuania I would be walking into a relatively unknown and potentially very precarious situation, I posted everything I figured out, all of what would later be called the 5D notes done up until that date (Part 1), to two physics newsgroups in January 2004 before I got on the plane, and figured anyone trying to figure out what I was doing would at least have something interesting to read. If any of it made any sense, someone somewhere would figure it out. Much of what I was doing was inter-connected, at least to me at the time.

I also made a model at that time in Lithuania of the Dual-Earth sculpture with a fishbowl turned upside down and over a small glass plasma globe in the center, and I painted the forward and backward Earths on the glass surfaces of each. Since I had to leave behind a large globe I had bought to map them out, the first globe I had bought there to visualize the idea, the small pencil sharpener, became my third small toy memento of this dimensional quest for knowledge.

So with my 3 'toys', a Rubik's Cube, a blue Squash ball with 90 degree lines drawn on it, and a small globe always prominently displayed on my desk or on a shelf in my dorm rooms (I still had the fishbowl and the plasma globe Earths but they were usually out of sight in my closet), I studied them, played with them, and delved more and more into the curved space ideas which were necessary to be thought out first before getting into the 4D parts of the book.

When I had time many months later, over the summer of 2005, I finally wrote those curved space parts as well and tried to wrap the whole thing up as best I could. Literally in a sense besides trying to accomplish much more important things, what I also was doing was trying to buy more time to finish up that stupid book and get a better understanding of 4 dimensional thinking. It was intuitive both in wanting to know it, and in learning or teaching myself about it, at the same time. It had to come out. Life simply was just trying to find the right circumstances to have time to 'learn' about it, though I knew I already knew it. Writing the 5D notes actually let me keep working on the same ideas without obsessing on the project as a whole, while doing the other more important things.

My new latest 'toy' could not be more perfectly suited to my thinking along such lines, a clear solid crystal dodecahedron. Being clear, you can see through it to the opposite and opposed sides. Because of that, it is easy to imagine seeing it from the outside and inside at the same time, perfectly suited to how I might need to think to continue the project if the world, and my world, settles down to be less confrontational and longer lived. Playing with shapes and words is a luxury at the moment while the more important things are still a priority.

While working as a non-scientist and non-mathematician on Fermat's Last Theorem, I kept coming across relationships all dealing with the numbers 3, 4, and 5. Mathematics is the ultimate seeing different parts of the Elephant, as the blind men example goes with each feeling a different part of the Elephant and each thinking it is something completely different. Mathematics is as complicated as you want to make it to come up with the most ridiculously complicated ways of saying the simplest of things (often the same relationships in different ways), especially when you don't know what you are really doing.

To understand Fermat's Last Theorem my way, I made a list of all the possible squares that fit into the pattern, 'A' squared plus 'B' squared equals 'C' squared. Then I saw these fit into a 2 dimensional pattern or array, what my sister who is a math professor referred to as a 'table of squares'. Then I tried to look for relationships in the numbers in-between the ones in the table, or the negative spaces of ones that did not fit into such patterning, the gaps. Then I thought to make a three dimensional model with a similar 'table of cubes', but found you could not do that. Then I tried to figure out why it can work, but seemingly only for 3, 4, and 5. (3 cubed plus 4 cubed plus 5 cubed = six cubed.) (I don't remember if I found any others, but believe there were not any others an could not be any others, though it came close sometimes. Finding another 'A' cubed + 'B' cubed + 'C' cubed = 'D' cubled would have made for a new pattern to overlay the table of squares, and thus a new pattern of the relationship between the 2 and 3 dimensional arrays). It (3 cubed plus 4 cubed plus 5 cubed = six cubed) overlaid the table of squares perfectly in a 3 dimensional sense, (3 squared + 4 squared = 5 squared, again 3, 4, and 5, just some of the many ways 3, 4, and 5 kept coming up) but you can't build a whole new table from one example, though it could be related to the table of squares perfectly. Since Fermat's Last Theorem is also trying to explain a negative, far beyond my abilities then and now, why nothing else can work, I limited myself to trying to see and understand why it did work when and how it did, for different dimensional levels, as represented by the numbers of integers or axises in the question, how many you were trying to compare or add up.

Though if I remember correctly that there are 5 Platonic solids, 3, 4, and 5 are the ones I am most interested in. 3 as represented best by the tetrahedron, or 4 sided pyramid; 4 as represented by a cube; and 5 as represented by a dodecahedron. But then it stops. Why?

I have spent a lot of time pondering the tetrahedron and find it a much more logical way of dividing up 3 dimensional space than the 'quadrants' or squared based ones we use, just as triangular grids make for much better maps or ways of dividing up curved 2D planes such as the Earth into equal sections, as has been shown by Buckminster Fuller.

But as I have noted, we live in cubes and are most comfortable thinking in terms of poles and 2 axises, North-South and East-West, for 2D maps, not three axises on 2D surfaces, which is a shame as it is more developed, more easily triangulable, and more fertile soil for an easier understanding of topological concepts and relationships.

So other than going always 'down' to 3 (triangular) for insights, which many more are to be found I have not considered yet, since I myself have dealt mostly with cubical and tesseractal modeling for 2, 3, and 4 dimensional thinking, the other 'direction' to go is obviously 'up' to the last 'discovered' Platonic solid, dodecahedral relationships. Obviously yet again I lag behind everyone else in the mathematical and topological fields because I have read articles speculating that the universe instead of being evenly curved as a hypersphere, some speculate instead reverses itself in a dodecahedral image.

Why they think that, I have no idea or have forgotten. Perhaps some repeating numbers in mountains of data. I prefer to deal as the Ancient Greeks did first and foremost in simple logic as manifest in simple repeating geometric shapes. Why only 3, 4, and 5? What is the most significant relationship between those numbers and 3 dimensions? There may be an infinite number of answers to those questions or only one. But then, if only one answer, then an infinite number of answers to that question: why only one answer? Such is the problem with trying to understand numbers. They can seem to explain everything while in the end saying absolutely nothing.

4:57 AM

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

Atoms, consciousness, and military control
From the Notes Part 6, posted almost in real time.

I have stressed many times the need for people to think in terms of 4 or more dimensions. To me, this is self-evident. Those with sight (eyesight) tend to think in terms of "things" and of this "thing world" (Universe) and "thing beings." Geometry and how "things" are constructed is key to (understanding what lies behind) this type of thinking.

But the experienced world goes far beyond 3 physical dimensions. Atoms are a quintessential 4 or more dimensional "object." Only through 4 or more dimensions can electrons "movements" through "non-space" between orbits be adequately explained other than the standard non-explanation, which may as well just call it magical. Also, the interaction between time and movement (electrons) requires multi-dimensional thinking without getting into observer/observed paradoxes.

Yet consciousness trumps them all requiring many more dimensions to try to explain what it is and how it functions, defying time, even at times causation.

It seems unlikely that humanity will ever be able to explain all of the implications of this and better understand what Universe we inhabit and how it functions while all of science is ultimately subordinated and subservient to the military for "strategic" advantages, especially in trying to understand the mind, for such studies and insights are always joined hand in hand with how to control it.

Our aggressive nature and incapacity to pursue a global means to eliminate such mechanisms for controlling thought and progress, seemingly dooms us from finding definite answers about ourselves, our minds, and our worlds, and keeps those professing the most ignorant, ideologically-based close-minded approaches firmly in power, seemingly indefinitely.

It is no accident ideologues seek to control and harness the military, for it alone has the means to suppress proving them wrong by eliminating research, suppressing facts, and vanishing or breaking or silencing proponents of alternative types of thinking or means of lessening the ever-growing "restraint" of the thinking processes of "free" men and women.

3:18 PM

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

The best failure I can be- Beyond words there are shapes hinting at what can't be said outright

        ... But I still think, though that is obviously better, using language at all in our thinking limits our thinking only to ideas we have been exposed to previously. We need to go beyond the past embodied in language. ... And within that are the great lessons of Eastern thought, Taoism, Buddhism, and Zen: the need to recognize the limitations of languages, and by extension, of cultures, as contextual, limited in scope to those they were originally developed within or for, but needing constant expansion and having that past, that foundation, being put in new contexts through new experiences and greater histories which they cannot contain without constricting them.
from Wordplay
     "Why limit yourself to 3 dimensional shapes for clues," the researcher replied with a wink and a smile. "To the 1 dimensional person, the pattern of the square was simply in the only 2 shapes he knew, lines and dots. With memory and intellect, he could have envisioned a square from it but also could have seen it as anything else. Though the pattern of the square was there to be found, it was more apparent to a Flatlander than it would seem to a 1 dimensional person. "What is it with these repeating patterns of lines and dots?" he might think, and think nothing more of it. A different 1 dimensional person might pick up on it right away. ... because we are trained to think in those terms or see it in that light. If it were something purposely trying to get us thinking in terms unfamiliar to us to begin to be able to explain it and expand our perceptions, it would have that effect on us. Others might pay it no mind at all. Others still yet might see it as a sign from God to do this or that."
    "Through time," he went on, "anything can seem to mean anything to anyone. Higher dimensions need not be divined from geometric shapes for someone to see a pattern that makes them think other dimensions exist. They might see it in a rise and fall of species over time, or the beginning and ending of Universes, or in the stages of life they have lived through. When time itself can be thought to be the medium by which 1D people can envision 2Dness, or 2D people can imagine or deduce 3Dness, anything and everything we experience is as valid as any square or triangle, cube, tetrahedron or Tesseract, for opening our minds to dimensions beyond what we perceive."'

        "As scientists we see the logic in understanding or communicating knowledge of our dimensions through shapes down to other lower dimensions when possibly only other scientists would make the connection. Life itself might be the means to convey such information. Life itself is not only to be lived, but begs to be understood. It may be an answer in the form of a question, a question with no definite answers, or nothing needed to be understood at all, just lived. If it does have a point of view to be conveyed, it is best apparent or easiest to understand if it is within all we experience, not hidden in complex numbers or geometric shapes. As a scientist, I might choose to start communicating with a Flatlander or one of lower dimensions by use of number or shapes over time but many other 3D beings might take a different approach entirely."

        "Yes, I think", he concluded, "that life itself is the best thing to use to open up 2D beings to the possibilities of the more confusing to them but simple to us, realities of life in our world. If it was in every aspect of their and our lives, everyone would have an equal chance of realizing, if not by one method, then another. Yet it is not for me to enlighten 2D beings on 3D realities. I as always am content to solve the puzzle immediately before me. As always that is to understand everything or my part in everything."

from 2D 3D 4D Thinking Made Simple (the original ending, now 1.8)

(I am) Going a little bit further with shapes in lieu of words before throwing in the towel today at Truthrevival.org. To match my clear dodecahedron, I now should soon be getting a clear cube and clear tetrahedron. Of the so-called 5 Platonic solids, to me there is only 3 really, again matching the 3, 4, 5. TheOctahedronand Icosahedron are interesting but only triangular reverses of cubes and dodecahedrons with points (vertexes) in place of sides (faces) and vice-versa. Reversing a Tetrahedron results in another tetrahedron. The MerKaBa shape is a good example of showing this concept of inversing one Tetrahedron to create another identical one in the same way Cubes and Dodecahedrons result in Octahedrons and Icosahedrons. Plus those two are triangular and not of true different sides, so I and some Ancient Greeks would regard them as lesser shapes than the Tetrahedron, Cube, and Dodecahedron.

Much as I saw languages as keys to getting into culture's heads, what concepts they choose to think about or discuss out of all possible to any one in any culture at any time, regardless of opinions about them as regards to their 'morality' or 'rightness' to be thought about or discussed, that limitation down to concrete consciousness-jumping 'communication' or 'thought action' or 'proactive contemplation', :-), which defines a culture at a given time, not by what they think of, but understanding the greater palette, what they purposely choose not to think of, what they willfully omit from their thinking processes, I saw shapes as a more universal contemplation mechanism. They exist much as everything else physical in this world, according to their own logic and rules, not that we don't not see them by our religious, philosophical, and academic biases, the lenses through which we try to impose our own thought 'orders' onto things, to project our attitudes upon nature and universal physical orders.

And I also know how 'science' does this as well. Our thoughts frame how we think about things. Though many scientists claim to be secular, non-religious, I see, through my own biases no doubt, the Big Bang as yet another creationist myth, a search for a beginning because that is the frame of reference most have to line up their thoughts by like getting ducks all in a row, or all charges pointing north or south in a magnet, a beginning and end, neat and above all else, simple.

As I stated in the first post about the Dodecahedron, I am aware through contemplating a hyperspheric shaped Universe without beginning or end, all relative to other points in space, that some cosmic topologists have suggested that the Universe is more dodecahedral than hyperspheric. I did not read the article enough to know why exactly that shape, and as I mentioned below, that there was probably something in their data that they interpreted that that explanation was preferable to fit the facts as they knew them at the time.

This fits in quite oddly with the fact that of the Ancient Greeks associations of the five platonic solids, fire, air, water, etc., it was the dodecahedron which represented the heavens or the Universe beyond earth. The first 'explanation' of this 'co-incidence' is that those who proposed such a recent 'theory' were aware of this and basically, as with all theories, however sound on data, begins with imagination. Essentially the key kernel is realization, or what I can also be called, thinking of something, or lesser put, making shit up.

Or one could take the philosophical approach (the word itself coming from the Sophists who basically sat around the Acropolis (came close to getting there and sitting there at one point myself) and basically just mused about the nature of things, essentially making shit up to talk about and think about) and say that if the Universe is indeed shaped like a Dodecahedron, that intuitive reasoning alone could have led the Ancient Greeks to 'discover' this relationship. Ooh, ah, magical new age mumbo jumbo. Go grab yourself a crystal and sit in the Lotus position and unlock the secrets of the Universe through feeling its vibrations! (Sorry, no disrespect for those who do. That like everything else, that is a valid thing to do, plus it is cheap, better than drugs, and certainly more moral than what most people are doing at the moment.)

Regardless of cart or horse first, our reasoning gets in the way sooner or later and we frame things according to our frame of reference. The thing about shapes, like numbers, have an order outside of our localized in space and time forms of references. Yes our cultures take these relationships and build up philosophies, religious and otherwise, about these relationships, (tarot cards, numerology, celestial calendars, sacred shapes, etc.) but because they seem to hint at orders beyond our ability to explain them, they will fascinate any being with a mind, a body, and sight or perception to recognize them and make shit up about why they, those shapes, are there, and by extension why they, those beings, are there.

I know with a post-perusal viewpoint my own journey through shapes. I know now which 2D things I drew were 'flattened down' 3 and 4 dimensional shapes, which I drew intuitively without knowing why. More in the conscious-of realm, why I thought to make Cube and Tetrahedral-based games, to better understand the internal relationships of sides to faces and internal to external inversion which reaches it logical conclusion when contemplating curved spaces or Universes. My only regret is that I never thought of, in time, actually making a Dodecahedral playing surface to complete the 3, 4, 5 set, though in defense, it would have been hard to draw on a 2d screen without constant spinning it around required to play it.

I understand now how contemplating Tesseracts led me to have to write 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple because there was no such book for me to read, so I had to write if first pretty much for the sole purpose that I could read it after finishing it. I understand by my own limited means, how objects 'unbend' curved space, and how that made up word relates to another made up word, 'gravity'. This is all simple now and mostly beneath me to contemplate but I have been left with nothing else to do, while awaiting my 'betters' decisions on how best to screw up the world through their lack of courage at confronting events which they pretend not to see about to force themselves through institutions they pretend not to know have failed them and everyone else in the most extreme ways possible.

In a word, shapes can unlock perspectives inherent within any who have existed or will. They will look at them, and what they will see you can see. What they can know or learn from they, or even just imagine and make shit up about, you can equally as well. An Ancient Greek could possible use them to get inside the head of a modern physicist just as modern physicists through words got into their heads and used their concepts to make atomic weapons from. Time is irrelevant to contemplation, and thinking does defy causality in some ways I have tried to explain, notably in Deconstructing the Universe's Shattering Time, and in some ways best not left attempted to be explained. Despite going off for awhile, I am by and large limited by identity and intended effects of what 'order' I would try to impose on the world, as we all are when we admit it, whether by the religion or culture you were raised it, or by your own unique (and as always, not as unique as you think) viewpoints.

So before I quit, again, I will end with a relevant quote from Towards Tomorrow to move on to cap my latest 'defeat' as best I can, and hope others will not be so limited by culture as I have been by my own. I tried to improve it, but the 'rules' always required me to defer to those who would lead others lost in the woods until they starved to death, if that was, and remains, their choice.

   ... When we consider great men or women of the past we take into account the worlds they were born into, the level of knowledge common to their times and existences. The less knowledge they had to work with, the less developed science, mathematics, or philosophy they had with which to build up their own ideas or inventions, the more remarkable their achievements can seem. For a child to draw a triangle or square and ponder its significance today seems inconsequential but for the first human who did so, no matter what their age, how remarkable indeed! With that began geometry, which begat trigonometry, which made space travel possible, not only possible but even a logical conclusion to one prehistoric human scribbling shapes in the sand millennia ago. ... Given the length even of what is now thought to be the age of the universe, certainly every great discovery such as the secrets inherent in geometric shapes, or of the atom, or of space/time, or of transdimensionalism, surely all of these have been discovered countless times before and will be rediscovered countless times again after humanity has gone.
        And if time and the universe are infinite in ways we cannot yet begin to fathom, giving birth to itself or new universes in yet another endless cycle of life, if it then could be that nothing can be done, said, sung, drawn, theorized, or lived which had not been done before, it still is no more or less incredible. Thoughts, ideas, dreams, experiences, aptitudes, ambitions, ignorances, and discoveries constantly rearranging themselves trying to come up with something new, something exciting, something different, always failing and yet never really failing completely.
        However many universes are born, or galaxies, or solar systems and planets, however many new species are born and mature enough to contemplate it all, it always is as new and as fresh and as wondrous as each new being born and seeing it all with amazement and joy for the first time, again.
From Toward Tomrrow (Sand and Galaxies)

1:16 PM

Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

Not down and out yet, and the perils of mile high blogging

Exactly one day after writing what was to be my last political post ever, I have decided to shelf my quitting because Chalmers Johnson's Evil Empire article needs to be addressed. It turned up practically everywhere I read and actually said many things which needed to be said, but failed to address some key problems. All in all, it was generally comprehensive and mentioned things I now feel I can readdress (redress?) (<- that looks like red dress :-)

The reason for quitting, mentioning some of the crap I had been put through, most of which should never have happened, capped off recently by being turned down (not that I am upset by that, but was weird given my record) by the only school I can study at (I can still go there but not in the program I wanted, but not the point) I felt more than entitled me to not have to care anymore.

I love when I get to say that, and this time probably it was warranted, but I also did a good job at explaining why I really think it is not my place to 'interfere' with what is about to happen, very strange things in Washington, at a time when the world's fate and democracy at home hang by a hair.

I figured since the only way forward for me in my chosen path, schooling, was blocked at the only University I could reasonably attend (the asylum thing probably rules out going to school out of the country at the moment and this is the only state I would live in), and a public school at that, was a good reason to STFU for awhile. But what Chalmers article raised should neither fall flat nor be unchallenged critically. It is a good step forward.

What I called the press's No Maas moment has not blossomed fully yet but has been surprisingly budding. What I said needed to be 'real time' challenging of the lies has actually occurred. ABC News referred to false claims (again) about a 'rebel' leaders death in Iraq as 'propaganda' and it was. I put 'rebel' in quotes because an overwhelming number of Iraqis want us out of the country, a majority of their Parliament has asked us to begin to withdraw, and it is getting ridiculous that our government still has any pretense that we are their for the Iraq people and not for their oil, or that the attacks against us are a 'minority' or 'criminals' and not what the public at large could do if they only had the ammunition, and not without good reason. Our troops know this is how the public there feels toward their presence, have overwhelmingly said so, and now have been silenced about it on the Internet. Also a leaked poll showing growing animosity of our troops toward innocent Iraqi citizens because of their unwelcomeness there is more damage being done to us, to our soldiers, and our reputation, what is left of it anyway.

And on the real time challenging of lies, talking points, et all, Chris Matthews even had enough yesterday. "There's no German that's fired on an American since 1945. That's not a fair comparison?That is not an acceptable argument! These comparisons to previous eras?it's lazy thinking, Congressman. It's the kind of propaganda that does not help this country understand the situation. You stepped into a dishonest comparison. Some people come on this show over and over again saying things that-JUST-aren't-true." Click Here for full story at Crooks and Liars.com All true and valid except admitting it was he and all the other press who let politicians think they could, and have, gotten away with such distortions and never been called on it, and had no reason to believe he or any other 'journalists' ever would. But it is progress.

So my polite statement of how the worlds problems are no longer my problems because I have something to seize upon to show I have nowhere academically to turn, no real way forward in my chosen direction other than being made to bide my time and wait, will have to wait a little while. I will 'interfere' a little more though hopefully it will go unnoticed but Chalmers raised some good points, which I will speak about soon.

The Power and the Mana at Truthrevival.org I wanted to mention the backstory about and so will now. It took months to write that because of the logistics involved. I literally started writing it the moment the quote mentioned occurred, which was weird since I did not know the person at the time. The best I could say about her since I did not know her was to refer to her as 'someone I respected' and later, that actually came true. I saw her go out of her way to help others at possible cost to herself repeatedly, not least of all me, for no selfish reason whatsoever. That is the best way, and sometimes the only way others can get my respect, which is why many may have my goodwill and empathy, but never my respect.

The logistics and timing of it depended on several factors. I wanted to write it on the same mountain where it began, Haleakala, which raised problems. One, is I needed a full day to travel up the mountain. Two, unless I used a paper notebook, I needed a notebook computer with a good enough battery to last for several hours to write it all at once. Third, I needed good brakes on my bike, my only transportation at the moment. With my cars, when I had cars, putting them in neutral, they would still speed up to about 70 mph just by rolling.

It took about 6 months for all those 3 factors to line up all at the same time. Even with fairly decent brakes, I still ended up going about 40 mph or more with the brakes almost fully on! On the way down I paraphrased one of my favorite lines from my notes pages to sum up the idea of braking. "The goal ought not to be to stop, for that is impossible. Therefore the goal ought to be to slow down enough so that, if need should arise to stop, death is not a certainty."

Really, it did not have to be written on the mountain, but that was where I wanted to write it, and I loved the view from Rice Park, thousands of feet above the coast. I knew that spot and had not been there in years. It took hours to walk and bike up there and minutes to get back down, but highly recommended. It will fry your brakes quickly though.

10:17 PM

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

Outsiders Looking In, Sarkocrats, Russian Arks, and my Ark

I can't help wondering sometimes where I would be now if I actually had done the asylum thing in the right order, doing as I intended, and applying in France in 2003 (as I said before, when I believed it was possible to be granted or I never would have went) before going back to school. I might possibly would have been (more) French by now, (at least I would be able to speak French now) though not a citizen, nor necessarily wanting to become one (though no one anywhere in the world could argue with the value of a Euro-"Green" Card) and Tahiti might eventually have had to become for me a poor substitute for Maui.

If that were the case, I would be more troubled now, no doubt, by Sarkozy's remarks recently, ("I am appealing to all French people to help France secure a majority (Note: Equating yourself, the ruler, to your country as being one and the same thing in your only your first few days in office is not a good thing. Even Bush had to work up to one that for awhile)... You have only two weeks remaining to make a choice, two weeks for putting final touches to the revolution you won on April 22 and May 6. You have only two weeks to make a decision on whether, or not, to renew your confidence in me,") (http://english.people.com.cn/200705/30/
eng20070530_379389.html&cid=1116798546) sounding as autocratic as ever. By French standard's I would be a right-winger as he (as most Americans would be right-of-center by European political spectrums), and probably would agree with a lot of his policies as being right for France, as I think many of Putin's policies are right for Russia, but it is their personalities though, the power grabbing, even when done in the right direction or for good reasons, they are and should be worrisome.

Being in France might actually have made writing Humanity as Seen from an Outside Comparative Species Perspective possible (at least my version of it if that title has already been used) because pretty much immediately at the start of first thinking about it, I figured it would have been written(by me) in France in 2009. Not that I am bound by that pattern, bits and pieces of imagined or ideal futures remembered, but just as I would only have written The Power and the Mana on Haleakala, once I get it into my head of connecting what I write to a certain place and time (and sometimes external events) in the future, I either stick to it or don't bother.

Anyone who has ever taken art seriously would know that if you can't make what you envision the way you imagine it should be, or at least close enough to how it is in your head, you wouldn't want to bother starting. And that makes sense as an artist. If your "vision" cannot be realized, it would not be your creation.

But life is in the compromises of working with what you have. Sometimes everything not going according to plan is actually better than what you set out to do, but if you are a true artist, or a pig-head, you still would be pissed off. My walls (in my painting phase) were splattered with paint because when I would get frustrated at having made a mistake which could not be touched up, a good release was to throw the brush as hard as I could at the walls.

The frustration came not from having made a mistake, nor from a lack of being perfect, but simply because I did not have enough money if I messed one painting up to retry it all over again, and even if I did get the money later, I would not wish to repeat it and would prefer to move on to something else, no matter how good the concept was. Life for me is a series of one-offs. Do-overs, the concept of it, it is better to put out of your head unless it is something critically important.

And sometimes I would take a second look at my "mistakes"and see something salvageable in them, and when I cared to admit it, something better than I set out to do originally. I know the best route is interacting with what you don't expect, can't imagine initially, and combining with it to create new uncharted roads you had not originally intended on taking, but reach the same destinations in new and often better ways. That is growth, life as performance art, jazz, improvisational skits, embracing the unknown not to conquer it but to learn from it.

The world is changing constantly. What it means to be a member of any political party, ideology, citizen, is constantly in flux because the environment that it is in is changing. I like many Americans consider myself neither left nor right, Republican nor Democrat, but have ideas and opinions which don't fit into a bottle, and where the parties themselves seem to be heading annoys not only people like me, not liking such labels, but away from their "bases": toward blatant authoritarianism (unitary executives and brown shirts) on the right, and Democratic Leadership Council, "we do chicken (and Resource Wars) right" on the left. Letting themselves be defined by the Conservatives' arguments and language was not enough for the Democrats or "Liberals," they have become so larva-like, they need new synonyms to be added to the political language for the term "weak."

Tens of millions on both sides, left and right, Republicans and Democrats, have rightly felt abandoned and disenfranchised. And if you think only 2 parties is enough to represent the will and potentially all ideologies of over 300 million people, you might think that is a bad thing. Or it could be the beginning of not only expecting more, but finally demanding more. If you don't demand anything of your government, your government, even a good one, will always tell you f... off.

Expatriates are in strange categories. They are more free to criticize their own intolerable to internal dissent governments from a distance, providing that their new host country allows it, and their "origin" state cannot "reach out and touch someone" as the old ad used to say, more aptly perhaps "smack down" WWF style than being touched, but sometimes have to walk on thin ice about talking about the politics of their new homes.

They are the outsiders looking in, even when they live within. Their perspectives may be valuable, but their opinions are certainly not always valued, no matter their objective worth. They are that of the other, outsiders, sometimes even after you have been living there a long long time. No moral I mean to make there, just an interesting perspective to have when embodied in your circumstances, when someone is put in such a position. I was not, but can understand it.

Polsci.com was born of some cross currents of this. It was to be political, it was to push things as far as I thought wise to take them at the time, things I would not have dared to write from within the US, but that would take shape according to circumstances. And it was shaped by my home, how I remembered it, how I thought it should be or is when it is doing things as it should. The first "Hawaiian Lyric of the Month" pretty much summed up my whole attitude toward everything at that point. ("I am staying, though I am leaving, I'm just hanging on not knowing why. I found a reason for staying, I found the beauty is saying, this is my, my home." Jerry Santos, Olomana, "Home")

I still was. What that meant had to be redefined continuously, constantly, and sometimes exponentially. That is actually what life is when you don't think you know what life is. It is then that you know it more than those who think they do. You know its potential, they know its actual. The actual must give way to the potential. The actual is fleeting. The potential is forever.

Polsci.com, in addition to the above and as mentioned in RCP2, was to be my ark. I had lost my name as a domain, decided to take most of what I had written before, combine it with the new things still unformed and forming, notably 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple and its Notes, with of course as the name suggests, things about politics. I had no illusions that the road I was embarking on was of any particular long duration, so every "issue" was to always be a capstone, if not a headstone. Finishing it off for now, and as always maybe for always, in Hawaii was far further along than I had intended when I began it, but it was sweet.

When I first thought about writing this post, it was when I saw the movie Russian Ark a few months ago, because it was then I realized that the term "ark" best described it. I wanted to combine something similar to what I wrote above with a review of that movie, which was an astonishingly good film, if boring. I missed my chance to see the Hermitage, and probably will never get to go there, but wanted to for a long time, so seeing it in the movie was something I looked forward to as well.

Though I did see Moscow, which was as I said before familiar to me, and another large part of why I went, to understand that better, all I saw of St. Petersburg was its lights in the distance. It was not really looking back much to see, but it was new, different, and novel. The first Russian cars I saw were junks scattered along the railroad tracks at night."Wow," I thought wide-eyed in amazement and straining to see them from my sleeper car, "that's a Lada! Ooh." Strange and weird as that sounds/is/was, but it is nice to see things through new eyes, and from a safe distance, and preferably in opaque lighting, when for the first time. Once known, or thought to be known, and in light of day, they can seem to be just as rusty junk.

But finally, to the movie review. It is hard to to do without mentioning the ending, which would spoil it if anyone were to read this (odd enough as that would be), and then to see the movie for the first time after that, (even more improbable) but still I would hate to spoil it for anyone. As I mentioned above, it is a pretty boring movie, even for someone as interested in the museum as I, though anyone can marvel at the technological achievement of it. But it is strange in a good way, and builds to an ending that is brilliantly conceived and well-executed.

So even if it were not for the novelty of the movie (being shot with hundreds or thousands of actors in a single take), and despite its subject matter being essentially paintings and Russian history, it is ultimately a movie about life from an outsiders perspective, and so well done to almost be poetic. At least in the dim light of a movie theater, that is how it can come across, and show you life from a new perspective. In a harsh light of day, yes, it is a boring movie about paintings and history. So if you do see it, see it at night, when you have time, an open mind, and an unhurried quiet atmosphere around you to appreciate the mystery that is life, strange and new, when seen from a distance through an opaque window.

2:50 AM

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Triple Heartbreak: NY Beggars, Yoshoo, and Rotten Apples in Moscow

Like a lot of people, I have cried many times in my life, about important things and not so important things. Three times rise to the top in recollection not only because they are recent, but they help to define who I am, who I try to be, and life itself for me.

The first I will mention was 7 years ago. I was in New York City, I was illegally parked, and put in what I consider, the most shameful position imaginable to my self-image. I was walking down the street, just passed someone asking for help, and was relieved I did not have to turn around as it was not expected of me, and no one else was helping either. I fit in too well there. I knew exactly at that moment I would never get those words out of my head spoken by a child to my back almost inaudible on a noisy street which would echo in my head for the rest of my life, “Please sir, could you....” and then trailing off when seeing I was not going to turn around.

To put it a bit more in perspective, I have always tried never to turn my back on anyone asking for help or even for money. I prided myself on always hearing out anyone, and whenever I could, giving as much help as they asked or that I could. I even went without a meal once while in college when extremely hungry because as I was going to get food, someone outside was panhandling and gave him the only few dollars I had because though I was broke, unlike him, I knew I would be able to find something to eat when I went home that night, plus I had a home then to go home to as well.

New York City is a very strange environment to me: too many people, too much going on at once. I have never cared for the place and find it abrasive somehow. Since I was saving up to move to Hawaii, I had for some reason over $1000 on me in hundred dollar bills which made me nervous of being robbed or pick-pocketed. I was in a ritzy area of the city where I thought such things might occur. I was not able to find a place to park but figured I could get away with parking in a tow-away zone because I did not think I would be long and guessed, correctly, that my car would not be towed, though I really had nothing to base that on.

I am often able to read situations correctly, and because of this, make mistakes when I think I know what is going on or going to happen before they actually happen. This day I was blindsided completely, and it was due to anger and an instant judgment which could have been wrong. I was on Wall Street, and saw what I thought was a person using a child to beg for money. The child was dressed in what seemingly purposely looked like rags with mismatched socks and shoes which did not fit, clothes soiled or torn, and the woman seemingly begging for money, whom everyone ignored both of them completely.

Thinking I knew the situation, I was enraged. “That child should be in school. Its the middle of the day. How can someone be dressed like that and to be used to get handouts? (It was not just bad clothes but seemingly far worse than could be imagined, seemingly almost having to be for effect.)This is America. This should not be happening here. This should not be happening at all.”Obviously, I am not used to cities or seeing what goes on there, and most other people there seemingly did not notice them or ignored the two people completely, as if it was not anything out of place at all.

So when walking past, thinking I knew completely the situation, I was relieved because I was so angry that once I had gotten past them, the way I saw it, pretending I did not hear or see them, that I could just keep walking. But I was not to get off so easy. Just after I made it past them the child had turned to me and said to my back, “Please sir, could you...,” and yes, I was relieved at that instant that I lived in a society that said, “you don't have to turn around, you can just keep walking and pretend that person does not exist.” It was so antithetical to everything that had been my life and everything I hoped my life to be.

I was immediately thrown into turmoil by it. I did not see that coming. I was too distracted by the crush of people all around me, the bustle, the voices, the thought of being robbed, too angry at what I thought was the situation, and worrying about my illegally parked car possibly being towed. My mind reeling, I quickly put together a new set of plans. I would go back to where my car had been parked, check to be sure that it was not being towed, and then I would go back to what I thought were people begging and try to find out what the situation there was.

If it was a good story, or if they needed to find something or get somewhere, I would try to help as much as I could. I would have at that point even gladly give hundreds of dollars if I had to just to paper over that I had just been relieved to have not been required to help someone who very much may have needed it and that moment, me walking away from someone asking for help, would not be frozen in time for all time. I would undo it no matter how much it cost me.

I got back to where my car was, a nice new sports car, and saw it was still there. But then I was approached by yet another presumed mother and daughter standing by my car, and when they saw that it was mine, this time there was no doubt in my mind about it, that as they were approaching me, that they were begging for money. That time it was clear. Now I was really pissed off. “What is with this place? I can't take this. Get me the hell out of here!” So instead of going back, I got in my car and drove off.

That night, I not only cried, I literally prayed to die. I could not believe I could be so completely caught off-guard, then so completely 100% time-blind, and to have walked away from a situation I might have been of help when asked directly simply to be listened to, and not even giving that much. There was nothing in that incident that was, relative to the rest of society, anything to be particularly ashamed of, and if I lived in New York or any other major city, I might have had to learn to deal with things like that happening everyday, and might quickly tune it out or like others, have good reason to think I knew the situation based on similar experiences with others. But it was not how I ever saw myself. It was unthinkable. If I could be that much caught off-guard, that much blind to something about to happen, and react that coldly, that out of character, then how might I handle the much more difficult things I knew life would throw at me, without potentially becoming even colder and more unfeeling? "I can't do it. I won't be able to do it. I would fail."

But I had a realization then that night, that it was really by choice. I lived because I chose to do or attempt certain things, that it was in part, my will that I should be at all, to live by rules I chose for myself to live by, sometimes or in some ways, confining and difficult for me to follow. I could quit at anytime, not meaning suicide, but that every course that I followed and would attempt later, was ultimately by choice. I had no ones image to live up to, and my own was optional, chosen, willed.

That realization, not the first time in my life I had thought about it in those terms, gave me strength again. At that point, knowing myself to be more or even completely fallible, gutted, I also realized, being who I am is first and foremost my choice, and what others expect from me, whether more or less than what I expect from myself, is secondary. It is true that I would expect no others to have to live by the rules I set for myself. I will never cut myself as much slack as I do for others, but that too is only by choice, and is rescindable.

The second incident I choose to mention was more recent, in early 2004. It was after the car accident, and as I said in other things, my mind was rebuilding itself after a serious concussion a few months earlier that caused significant damage. I was distraught, trying to figure out as much about life as I could, and as I also said in other things, trying to figure out how everything in life and the Universe fits together, my life, everyones lives, everything. And I gave myself a deadline for having to learn absolutely everything about absolutely everything, or at least everything about what life is or is about, and I knew I was not going to make it before that time. I might die without knowing what life was about, for then I was still trying to work that out again, and that thought chilled me and broke me.

When realizing I could not know everything that I wanted to know, at least at that time, not being able to figure out everything, I told myself to remember the Yoshoe and Yoshoemee story. And then it popped into my head. At first it did not cheer me up, but then, eventually, slowly, still with a wet face from crying, I wrote it down. It worked more or less. To me, that is what that story is, a consolation prize for not being able to know everything about everything, or even everything about what concerns my life that I think I ought to know about or should be able to figure out. Yet it was something within me, something I could pull out when needed which cuts right through to the heart of everything else, and it was there to give me comfort when I also thought I could not bear to go on, but needed to and did.

The third time I will mention happened a few months before that. It relates to the other two in various ways. What set me on the course for thinking I needed to know Everything about Everything was that there was a place I saw on TV that I knew, also mentioned before, Kolomenskoe, a park in Moscow. Once I knew that place existed, and that I knew it in another sense, I thought if I went there, I would be able to figure out how or why, or at least what going there would mean. To do that, I saw it if not taking the world in an entirely different direction, it threatened to change my life completely into something else. It was a branch or wing onto my life that was unfamiliar and almost unthinkable, yet it also needed to be understood.

I did not get really any grand realization by being there, though it was confirmation that I was familiar with that park somehow. But what happened after that was curious and crushing when combined with it and the place in general. While waiting for my shuttle, I went by an old lady sitting in the freezing rain with a puppet on her hands that lit up. It was probably the most heartbreaking sight I ever saw. A woman of 80 or older selling apples slightly rotten with this puppet on her hand trying to get people to notice her. Normally, I think it my place to help anyone life puts in my path, but felt I was on the wrong path, and it was not my place to “interfere” with things there. That feeling of being on the wrong path, not really the wrong path but too off-center to any longer get definite bearings, has now spread so that many more things I now think are wrong for me to “interfere” with, even to the point sometimes of everywhere and everything no longer being my place. I just seem out of sync with the world sometimes, and at that point in time, I felt more “not belonging” there or least “ought not” to affect anything happening there than anywhere else I had been in my life up until that time.

I ran though every possible way to try to help that old woman and could not find a way that I did not think it would backfire. That is how I see it sometimes. To break the “rules” of what is “interfering” means risking throwing someone else's life off in a direction possibly negative. In this case, giving money to her might put her at risk for being beaten and robbed. As much as I saw this at the time as a bad idea, breaking the rules, I could not not try to help her. She was not my grandmother, but she could have been someones. I ran through every possible thing I could do until I found one that I thought could have worked without backfiring.

I would buy an apple and hand her a crunched up bill that she would pocket soon after. I really did not have much money to spare as I was almost broke but I was leaving soon anyway and that much money would not have helped me out of the bind I was in anyway. I decided to try to give her 500 rubles, about $17, and figured that might have helped her a bit. But that is a lot of money in some places. At first, everything happened exactly as I had hoped it would. I was proud. Then it started coming apart.

She began to think that I had made a mistake. After she sat fretting for a few minutes about what to do, I began to pray the van would leave. She started to wave to me, came over to the van. Shoo, go away I waved at her. This was what I was most afraid would have happened, and if that van had not been delayed, it might had gone as I had hoped. Then, her realizing that I had meant to give her that much for the apple, she was all, thank you, thank you, bless you. Then she sat down again, tucked the money into her shirt, and after a few minutes decided to call it a night and go home. But the van stayed on and on, and after she left, the van driver who saw the whole thing, and though it was by now long long after the time he was supposed to have left, he decided to take a long walk in the direction she went far down the street and around the same corner.

Now it could be, and hopefully was, either a coincidence or that the van driver had good reason to take an interest besides thinking that he could shake down an old lady who obviously had just been given money, so much so that she would make a minor scene about it. I tell myself, he may have just questioned her, or maybe that helping her only made a positive difference in her life briefly, and that nothing bad might have happened as a result of my wanting to help her.

It is hard to say what criteria I use for deciding what is “interfering” and what is not. So much of life is strange to me now, so much past the end of the line, that to do anything at all can seem to me to be to risk the opposite of what I attempt or hope will occur later. But that is life, to do without knowing everything that you will affect nor being able to control everything that follows from what you do. I used to believe “nothing done in good faith can have a lasting negative effect,”but that is just words, old words and an old idea to me now.

That night I broke down and cried hard. It was a weight almost unbearable. In New York years before, I cried because I was blindsided suddenly without warning and missed a chance to help someone, far worse and more completely than I ever could have imagined being caught off-guard. In Moscow, I cried in part because a well-thought out attempt to help someone that worked exactly as I saw it could have, later than I anticipated slowly unraveled, possibly into exactly why I feared to try to help her, and thought it best that I should not attempt it. That even when someone is standing right before me and that I think I could help, I know I am helpless to help them because of everything else around us both.

That is a weakness, a part of my circumstances, that is hardest to bear, by choice or not. Knowledge of why this is so is not lacking in me anymore, but it is not always a comfort. Life is always best a friction, a coarseness, meant to make a mark or impression upon you. Without it, without deep feeling, gliding too easily, you are not engaged in it and less a part of it than you can be. How much you should be a part of it, a part of them, a part of their lives, that is your choice.

4:41 AM

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Hazy beginnings, Abrupt Ends, Dreams Overshadowing, and Concentrated Notes

(Note: This was written, I think a year ago when retyping The Heretic Papers, originally titled Dead Bird. I am putting it here because it is inter-related with, and as a compendium to, the Bicycle Post on TruthRevival.Org.)

The question of deciding when the 5D Notes began is not an easy task. What is the beginning of anything? Even of yourself, you cannot say you began when you were born. To understand how that came about, you would have to include the story of your parents, and how they came to get together. Then you would have to say where they came from, and so on and so on. Everything's beginnings are obscure, a hazy line of what you think is relevant which produced the outcome you wish to say is separate from what came before it. So too it is with my deciding when my self-titled “5D Notes” began.

To go back to the earliest point in a nearly contiguous line without years of gaps in-between, I would have to say the earliest possible answer would be with the Heretic Papers. Like the 5D notes, the Heretic Papers were mostly sort paragraphs written compulsively on a variety of topics with no particular theme or segway between them. They were just bits of thought of things which I did not work into Towards Tomorrow when it ended but could not stop writing or thinking about them either, beginning pretty much to the day after finishing it. After getting a lot of these notes together, I thought they were pretty good, and that they should be put together somehow into a collection, for myself only, for me to reread them at later times. And I then called this the Heretic Papers.

But the overall theme if it could be said to have one was not the same as in the 5D Notes. Some of the thematic ideas within the Heretic Papers found a new form in Deconstructing the Universe which started shortly after gathering together these notes. In some ways Deconstructing the Universe was a reformation of the Heretic Papers into something less heretical and more organized and (somewhat more) coherent.

Yet there is a great difference between how I thought before and after Deconstructing the Universe. In many ways you could say I had become a different person, I had grown somehow. So though the form was the same and the time frame was a year or so (or less) between the Heretic Papers and my new dividing line of when the Notes began, I would have to say another beginning came after Deconstructing the Universe was finally done, though short paragraphs were also included at the end of it as well, thus further blurring an exact point of a beginning of the 5D notes which came after.

When working on PolSci.com (the first one) in early 2004, I first put the notes into an organized form and called them the 5D notes. (The notes themselves were not included until the second (in terns.htm (the seabirds)) and third "issues" of Polsci.com but the previous sentence was correct that I was working on sorting through them at that time.) They were published before that on the Internet as just a group of paragraphs and sentences about 4D space, time, and other topics like that, with politics and other social comments as well thrown in. When deciding at that point where to start it, I drew the line at when I moved to Lithuania before starting school. At this beginning point, I figured it started with a series of drawings called the Dimensional Contortionist Escape Artist, and mostly free-formed out of ideas about multidimensional thinking. It was just an explosion of thoughts forming around ideas about time and space which became a running theme in the 5D notes, and this was a valid starting point to choose, but not the correct one.

Before getting to Lithuania, there was a running commentary similar to the notes which I did just before my trip away from Hawaii starting 3 months earlier. In looking backwards in time a bit later in 2004 or 2005, I then changed my mind and decided that these few months of notes were also in a way not separate from the 5D Notes, and with later versions of PolSci.com, I added them as well, dubbing them the Pre-Notes. I saw them as definitely more like the later notes than similar to anything else written before, and a new definite break in form and purpose of writing occurred then. And then as now, they were also dated sometimes on which days they were written, like a journal.

Two paragraphs were added at the beginning of the Pre-Notes because I thought they were really well done. I knew, though, even as I put them there (and they were only a day or two away from what I now consider the absolute beginning of the 5D Notes), I knew they did not belong there. I pretty much concluded then (when compiling the Pre-notes) and now that the pattern of writing I would later term the 5D Notes began with the dead bird.

That day (7/23/2003) is when they became notes to myself of things to remember later as well as things others might read and find useful. It was then quite consciously writing a type of shorthand to myself to remember things, as I said in other things, probably RCP2, to remember things as I was experiencing them, sometimes relearning them, as my brain was rebuilding itself after the accident.

Around that time (mid-July 2003) I was for the first time not getting dizzy all the time and was beginning to get over the effects of getting hit by a car, thrown 6 feet in the air, and landing head first on the pavement. This was about 6 weeks after the accident. I had said in poetry as far back as Triumvirum about my mindset changing over time, but after the accident it was changing extremely rapidly and constantly, continually, and franticly trying out new ways of thinking and analyzing and categorizing perception, and then storing them and moving on to make new ones at an extreme pace.

The introduction to Deconstructing the Universe can give some indication of the level of wonder and awe and joy I had at that point about just about every aspect of my life and life in general. Just doing anything was incredibly fun, and riding my bike was at the top of the list. I set out that day (7/23/2003) to go down the hill along the highway and there was a bird at the side of the road where I was riding.

To give an idea of how I rode my bike, I would sit up straight, not have to hold the handlebars, and was free to twist (up to 180 degrees) and turn whichever way I wanted to look for many seconds at a time without the slightest fear of falling over or hitting anything in the road which would cause me to lose balance, nor concern the bike would turn in a wrong direction. I more or less assumed the bike would go where it should and I could concern myself with looking at clouds, trees, whatever, fully and in total rapture, and I never was proven wrong.

When I came up to the bird, it took off because I came near to it, but it flew exactly along the white line on the side of the road where I was riding. Sitting there straight up with my arms by my sides with a bird flying immediately before me at the exact same speed so close I could have at any point reached out and pulled a feather off of it. Not just for a second or two but on and on. It tried to get ahead of me and landed a few times but always right in front of me and had to take off again, and again it would be just in front of me almost dead level with my eyes.

A flower or a tree in those times was amazing to me, this was just mind blowing, almost spiritual. I was given for about 30 seconds or so seeing what it would be like to be a bird, or a camera following a bird in flight just a few feet behind it. I was transfixed in total awe of the experience and it made an unbelievable impression on me. My thinking at that time could go so fast I could almost seem to watch its wings flap in slow-motion and then speed them up again.

There was no me, and the bird, separate, just the experience, and then it was over in an instant. With my mind completely focused on the bird, and the experience, suddenly my mind said no and I saw it happen almost through the birds eyes an instant before it did. The bird finally turned away from flying exactly in the path I was gliding along not pedaling, coasting down the hill with my arms at my sides, and it turned and flew head on into a SUV's windshield traveling at a high-speed, bounced off of it and was bouncing up and down dead on the side of the road.

Going from a feeling of total bliss and oneness with the experience, and seeing the bird get killed right in front of me and dead an instant later left me in shock of what to do. The humane thing would have been, seeing it was most assuredly not going to survive even if it was not already dead, no way it could have lived through that, would have been to walk over and step on it in case it was still alive and end its pain. But I could not. I could not bring myself to do that.

I can't say if what that related to was true, but it cut close to a dream I had which seemingly will never be answered. It was similar, it was different, yet everything connects or can connect, if your mind or your feelings choose to see them as connected. Probably the instant before the bird died was one of the greatest feelings of awe at being alive I had ever had, it was magical, wondrous at a time where everything was wondrous and magical. This was merely many times more so, but then it changed.

The transition was abrupt, and a bit shocking. One second not thinking, not analyzing but just being and experiencing in totality, just feeling joy and wonder at what is before me and then, shock and confusion at what does it mean, what should I do, and not having an answer to a question I never would have anticipated needing to have an answer to. That is what life throws at you whenever you become complacent, if you are lucky.

You may not see it that way. Neither may the bird. But when you get over the shock, you may discover as I did, it was necessary to grow beyond how you saw things before, no matter how much more innocent and carefree and better it was. Both levels of seeing and experiencing you need to know, and the transitions will always be there triggering them, and they are a part of you because the experiences are there to make you feel, good, bad, joy, grief, to make you feel and know through interaction with other living things, what is means to each to be alive, both separate and how you fit together to create those experiences within both, and each within each other as well.

All of that and more summed up for me in one single line in the Pre-Notes. (The 5D stuff is even far more concentrated in what a few words here and there mean to me and the concepts and models of thinking they represent.)

7/23 (2003) Dead bird

The Quickies page has many of the best lines from the 5D Notes all in one place. Not the deepest or most complex concepts in the Notes, but good turns of phrase and a few good self-contained short ideas.

12:00 PM

Sunday, April 5th, 2009

Still here; Charles Williams novels; Not going Galt (or Gault) anytime soon anymore [updated]

I am here. I am now. I deal with that. Do I like or enjoy its pluses and minuses? Do I like what happened to make it possible? Do I accept it or fight against it? To all of the above, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

The 5D Notes- Part 3, January 2005

"I found the pieces in my hand,
they were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
you gave me words I just can't say

So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
'cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
the rivers flow
where you are, I'll never know
but I'm still here

If you were right and I was wrong
why are you the one who's gone
and I'm still here,
still here"

Excerpt from the lyrics of "I'm Still Here" by Vertical Horizon

Note: Begun with the idea of sorting out what it means to be human in accordance with perspective, i.e. how orientation within a system at a right angle opposed to gravity is the perceived to be the "correct" orientation and face to face linear forward perception is the "correct" way of sensing ones environment. (A perceived means of orientation for consciousness within a multidimensional system, which way is up" in 2D, 3D, 4D, etc.) This also was the breeding ground of the ideas which ended up in Assistwo's Perpendicular Universe Dream, this and a real dream I had as a child about being stuck to walls. Understanding gravity and multi-dimensional Universes go hand and hand and perspective is the key to understanding that as your perceptual environment is your actual environment much more than most people have any clue about.
These points are key and relevant to my present means of interpreting how people could perceive environments in light of curved multidimensional spaces (4D, 5D) plus gravity.
Outside of making these points, the rest has been done I am sure many times before by many people as an outsider's view of humanity. Mostly it is from what would or will be the beginning of a sociology treatise I will or would have written around 2009 called The Human Zoo, which I have been thinking about recently. I would not wish to write it any sooner, but felt like starting it now for this part for the reasons noted above. That is why it has to go through the other stuff it mentions first before getting to the part I wanted most to write about now, 4 paragraphs down, orientation within a system.

Intro to Humanity as would be seen from an outside comparative species perspective, Fall 2004

         ... Being in France might actually have made writing Humanity as Seen from an Outside Comparative Species Perspective possible (at least my version of it if that title has already been used) because pretty much immediately at the start of first thinking about it, I figured it would have been written (by me) in France in 2009. Not that I am bound by that pattern, bits and pieces of imagined or ideal futures remembered, but just as I would only have written The Power and the Mana on Haleakala, once I get it into my head of connecting what I write to a certain place and time (and sometimes external events) in the future, I either stick to it or don't bother.
        Anyone who has ever taken art seriously would know that if you can't make what you envision the way you imagine it should be, or at least close enough to how it is in your head, you wouldn't want to bother starting. And that makes sense as an artist. If your "vision" cannot be realized, it would not be your creation.
        But life is in the compromises of working with what you have. Sometimes everything not going according to plan is actually better than what you set out to do, but if you are a true artist, or a pig-head, you still would be pissed off. ...

Outsiders Looking In, Sarkocrats, Russian Arks, and my Ark, 5/31/2007

        I have stressed many times the need for people to think in terms of 4 or more dimensions. To me, this is self-evident. Those with sight (eyesight) tend to think in terms of "things" and of this "thing world" (Universe) and "thing beings." Geometry and how "things" are constructed is key to (understanding what lies behind) this type of thinking.
        But the experienced world goes far beyond 3 physical dimensions. Atoms are a quintessential 4 or more dimensional "object." Only through 4 or more dimensions can electrons "movements" through "non-space" between orbits be adequately explained other than the standard non-explanation, which may as well just call it magical. Also, the interaction between time and movement (electrons) requires multi-dimensional thinking without getting into observer/observed paradoxes.
        Yet consciousness trumps them all requiring many more dimensions to try to explain what it is and how it functions, defying time, even at times causation.
        It seems unlikely that humanity will ever be able to explain all of the implications of this and better understand what Universe we inhabit and how it functions while all of science is ultimately subordinated and subservient to the military for "strategic" advantages, especially in trying to understand the mind, for such studies and insights are always joined hand in hand with how to control it.
        Our aggressive nature and incapacity to pursue a global means to eliminate such mechanisms for controlling thought and progress, seemingly dooms us from finding definite answers about ourselves, our minds, and our worlds, and keeps those professing the most ignorant, ideologically-based close-minded approaches firmly in power, seemingly indefinitely.
        It is no accident ideologues seek to control and harness the military, for it alone has the means to suppress proving them wrong by eliminating research, suppressing facts, and vanishing or breaking or silencing proponents of alternative types of thinking or means of lessening the ever-growing "restraint" of the thinking processes of "free" men and women.

Atoms, consciousness, and military control, 5/3/2007
(and from the 5D Notes Part 6)

"Of Williams' works, this is the one that is best to begin with. I would recommend reading Plato or having a basic understanding of him before attempting it; it also helps to have rudimentary knowledge of the works of the Middle Ages and the Bible. The Unicorn as purity and Holy Kirke, for example, would not be evident offhand to the modern reader. That being said, even without knowing what was going on (which was myself the first ten or so times of reading it and still, to some extent to this day,) you will still learn and gain so much. For the types of people who do tend manage to get through this book and are familiar with the other works mentioned within it, intellectual superiority is a common fault. In this case, Damaris does not do it intentionally and doesn't even realize she is doing it. All she cares about are making little charts to compare the various philosophers and their ideas. She forgets all about the ideas themselves until they are forced upon her to near death. Hopefully we won't have to go through that to realize what we are doing, but this book can give you a near-death shock enough to perhaps do so. Most of Williams books leave you completely drained at the end of them, they are not like reading McDonald where afterwards you want to run around in a field taking in the beauty and picking flowers or whatever. You sit staring at the wall, shaking, and realizing how pitiful you are but also your great potential through love and redemption. Just a heads up; not a book to read when already depressed or weak. At the same time, if you think you are ready; it is probably proof that you aren't."

Review of Place of the Lion, by Alexa Chipman

Editor's note: [Song "Wondering Where the Lions Are"] Partially inspired by Charles Williams' book The Place of the Lion. ...
"I have a relative who is involved in one of those kinds of government jobs where they can't say what they do. The part you can say involves monitoring other people's radio transmissions and breaking codes. At that time China and the Soviet Union were almost at war on their mutual border. And both of them had nuclear capabilities. I had dinner with this relative of mine and he said, "We could wake up tomorrow to a nuclear war." Coming from him, it was a serious statement. So I woke up the next morning and it wasn't a nuclear war. [Laughs] It was a real nice day and there was all this good stuff going on and I had a dream that night which is the dream that is referred to in the first verse of the song, where there were lions at the door, but they weren't threatening, it was kind of a peaceful thing. And it reflected a previous dream that was a real nightmare where the lions were threatening."

-- from "Closer to the Light with Bruce Cockburn" by Paul Zollo, SongTalk, vol. 4, issue 2, 1994. Submitted by Rob Caldwell (on www.cockburnproject.com).

Note: Well, almost 2 years since the last (original new) post here. As Researcher would say, "But my bi-annual 2 year vacation isn't up yet!!! I'm going to call my Union of Unnamed Fictional Characters!" The pattern on 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple is/was/seems to be: begun in the summer of 2003; finished Book 1 in the summer of 2005; Book 2 begun in the summer of 2007; so this pattern kind of makes me wonder about what might happen in the summer of 2009. Not that I live by, or try to live up to, patterns, but I do find them interesting, and occasionally worthy of recognition. On to new posts... (and maybe new chapters and verses someday soon)

        In continuing the theme of sometimes using this blog to give the backstory of posts for my other blog, Truthrevival.org (itself needing some revival of its own lately these last few years), I will attempt some backstory to the 3 planned (now past) retrospectives or "clip show" posts. The first and the third were to be connected and both dealt with the idea of a disaster (nuclear) averted with Iran. As I said in the alternative 3rd retrospective, when I did not see the world headed in that direction anymore, I decided not to write the 3rd one. Eventually I did write a similar third one, but not in the intended way. Both the first, "The Lion, the Phoenix, and the Serpent: To Renew or Revive, Looking Back on One of Five" and the third (to have been called) "Searching for Langston's America with the "Ghosts" of the LOC (Library of Congress): Lines on Maps, Lines in the Sand, and Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bombing Iran," each was to have included quotes from Charles Williams novels.

        The first retrospective post, "The Lion, the Phoenix, and the Serpent: To Renew or Revive, Looking Back on One of Five" came off exactly as intended, with the quote from "The Place of the Lion" by Charles Williams. The reasoning for choosing to use a quote from that novel was because I wanted an excerpt from the song (Wondering Where the Lions Are) to be there at the top, and it was about a nuclear war averted, or which did not happen. And because that song was based in part or influenced by the "The Place of the Lion" by Williams, via a dream Bruce Cockburn had. Also, that song kept running through my head when thinking about a war with Iran. When finding out what the song was actually about, I knew how I would structure the first of the 3 planned retrospectives.

        The third retrospective was to come if a war with Iran was close or imminent, titled as above, and the quote to be included with that one was to be from "Decent into Hell" which I thought would be appropriate considering if a possible, and unnecessary, much wider war was seriously being contemplated, or threatening to throw itself into the mix. Both of these quotes and the form of the posts were decided upon before I actually read the books, which is kind of backwards, but sometimes how things work, at least to me.

        So when actually reading the books, probably, this time around anyway, for the first time (unless I read them as a teen and forgot about them) I was simultaneously looking for the right (remembered or anticipated) quote appropriate to what I was going to write about. With the third and last retrospective and the novel "Decent into Hell," the passage was apparent, self-evident, and could only be one paragraph which was perfect, exactly matching the theme: a disaster averted. Luckily I put off writing this post so long that someone else (Rev. Stan Bohall) typed it up a few months ago and put in on the web on his own blog so I can just cut and paste it and link to it. That quote never used by me, in the intended way, is below from "Decent into Hell" by Charles Williams.

"She looked out of the window. There would be few more evenings during which she could watch the departure of the day, and the promise of rarity gave a greater happiness to the experience. So did the knowledge of familiarity. Rarity was one form of delight and frequency another. A thing could even be beautiful because it did not happen, or rather the not-happening could be beautiful. So long always as joy was not rashly pinned to the happening; so long as you accepted what joys the universe offered and did not seek to compel the universe to offer you joys of your own definition. She would die soon; she expected, with hope and happiness, the discovery of the joy of death."

http://quest-min.blogspot.com/2009/01/descent-into-hell.html,
January 11, 2009

That theme, potential disasters which never happened or were averted, also applies to a new intended to be written post for Truthrevival.org, (and a related and intertwined new "multi-verse" post soon to appear here) seeing as I can seemingly finally break onto that long promised "new ground" soon. It would be nice to write again in ways or on topics decided long ago now, but the time was not yet right until now. As Carly Simon sang, things are "coming around again."

But this post was also to be about a different paragraph which jumped out at me while looking for a good quote from "Place of the Lion." That paragraph is below.

"He doesn't," Richardson said. "When we pick him up he has got right on to the ninth circle which is that of goodness only knows what and is attributed to the seraphim, and he dithyrambs on about the seraphim without giving any clear view of what they are or what they do or how one knows them. Then he quotes many texts about angels in general and becomes almost pious: the sort of thing that Erasmus might have thrown in to placate his enemies the monks. But there's a bit soon after which may interest you- here we are- 'written in the Apocalypse. For though these nine zones are divided into a trinity of trinities, yet after another fashion there are four without and four within, and between them is the Glory of the Eagle. For this is he who knows both himself and the others, and is their own knowledge: as it is written We shall know as are known - this is the knowledge of the Heavenly Ones in the place of the Heavenly Ones, and it is called the Virtue of the Celestials.'"

The Place of the Lion, Charles Williams, 1931, Pg. 101

        That paragraph set wheels in motion in my brain remembering the logic behind a drawing I made. I might had missed it but it came right after the line about a trinity of trinities, so when put next to what came after it, I could not miss the coincidence which triggered the memories. The third book of poetry I had written, as I had written elsewhere before, was to be in the form of 3 sets of 3 parts, or a trinity of trinities. The fourth book of poetry was called "Quadranine" because it was the fourth book of poetry also to have nine chapters like the previous three. Thus a fourth set of nine, thus Quadra-nine.

        With the cover for the third poetry book I wrote, "Triumvirium," the cover for it was made as 3 overlapping right triangles in a circle, with Roman/Greek columns around them because the title was based upon a Latin word, "triumvirate" and that is a plural (possibly correct or crudely correct) version of the word, for more than one triumvirate. Though having nothing to do with rulers, but in this case, as 3 sets of 3 things that rule our universe (past, present, future, etc.).

        I wanted the cover for Quadranine to also be a geometric design in nature, but somehow to be symbolizing a combination geometrically of the numbers 4 and 9. I decided upon a 4 sided pyramid (5 sides counting the base) like those in Egypt, with a 4 sided base. But it was too simple and really did not work other than 5 sides altogether but 4 above the ground, thus the 4 and the 9 (5+4). But that really did not work. 5 edges, 5 points, 3 and 4 sided edges, nothing that really combined the numbers 4 and 9.

        Then I thought of a pyramid that also extended below the ground in a mirror image, thus it would have 4 sides above the ground, the one side in sync with the ground, the base, and 4 sides below the ground in a mirror image. Thus, 4+1+4=9. I liked the symmetry but did not know how to draw it at first. The 4 above and 4 below and one in the middle has been used in symbology by others and Williams as mentioned above was literate in Medieval Christian symbolism (I am somewhat and links to why I chose quoting Williams from these books before reading them), but the way he wrote that concept as quoted above was slightly different, not 4 above and 4 below but "four without and four within."

        I did not like the idea of just using a 4 sided pyramid on the cover of Quadranine, nor even one mirrored below it. I then thought of using the same symbol or shape (an octahedron with a line in the middle where "touches" or is in "sync with" this world, a "base") configured in a cube shape with the 6 four sided pyramids pointing to the center of the cube, the bases forming a cube, and the other 6 pointing away from the center outward from the dice shape as points. "Four without and four within..."

        I liked the idea of this adding the number 12 to the mix, but the problem was how to draw it so it would not look like a mess (as much as it did when I did draw it). I then thought both representations together, a mess of 12 four sided pyramids (6 octahedrons) in a cube shape with 6 pointing toward the center of a cube and 6 pointing away, next to a regular 4 sided pyramid. But the 6 pointing away was to be the same concept, a mirror image of the other "outer" six but pointing into a "ground" equally from the other "inner" 6 and that "ground" touching the edges of all 12 pyramids at once, a 3 dimensional curved "ground" (the cube between the 12 pyramids) which was really flat somehow (from a 4 dimensional viewpoint, I understand now, seeing a 3D shape as flat, a "ground" as we see a 2D plane as flat) but also at right angles to each outer and inner pyramids along the edges of the cube. Also that the tips and edges of the outer 6 meet up somewhere away exactly the same way as the inner 6, equally mirroring how the 6 inner ones touch, only seen as such when viewed at a different angle.

        This was representational of a 4 dimensional object or curved 3 dimensional space around itself. Just as every three dimensional object is a representation of a 2D plane or "space" curved around upon itself, 4D "objects" can be envisioned as curved 3D spaces or universes curved back upon themselves forming that "surface" area. I know now that that was what I was thinking of but could not fully recognize it then in that way yet. When I later that year came upon a wireframe drawing of a tesseract, (the exact same concept or drawing from within middle inner cube when the cube in the innermost area is not a cube but is instead seeming to be a single point) I saw that that concept was more easily drawn and recognizable, and was also an easier to understand concept of 3 dimensional space curved around a back upon itself, and in a single symbol, not two (the way I had previously represented it), both of which were confusing and were two different views upon the same idea which had to be combined mentally to be understood.

        As I have written before about things like this, I can see how the same concepts and ideas have crossed my mind and criss-crossed my experiences at different times in my life, and this idea of curved space has come up at various times and various ways in drawings and other things. I did not see it clearly at the time, but they connect together, different aspects of the same elephant so to speak. Eventually forced to deal with or meet these concepts head on, I have a bigger experience pallet to see how they fit together over time and the perspectives I was being moved towards, sometimes quite unwelcome, but in a logic progression. The 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple and the related "5D Notes" were logically deducible from recurrent themes, images, concepts, drawings, and imaged 3D and 4D sculptures, in my life, almost predictable or preordained to be written or drawn eventually. I did not wish to always think in or along such lines or about such things, but always saw it as a road or set of events reappearing at different times and stages of my life in different ways.

        So why then, or at that time did I try to dig in or hold on or follow it. It related to what I was trying to figure out, things about time, a bigger palette in which to "fit" the universe into, and that it just was always there popping up. [Aspects of what I was trying to figure out ran through all of my notes in spots but a few pertinent parts or shades to this now are below from Part 2 and 3 of the notes.

You can't run away from something that is a part of you. Wherever you go, there it is. It is in a sense inside of you, and integral part of what you are. Everything that you have experienced, could have experienced, what you are experiencing now or might have been experiencing now, and all that you will experience or could possibly, all of this is a part of you. You can focus on some parts and forget others. Indeed, you cannot see all points from any one point anyway, but all and everything else you can and sometimes do affect by your existence, all this or these "other" things in your realities are all a part of you. Moreover, without them, you are not or nothing. How they all must fit together, the organizational structure you define them by, and they you by, is what connects which points to any others, or which "theres" you can get to or see, from which "heres".

Geometry is not mathematics, though geometry may use mathematics. Mathematics are abstractions, geometry is inherent within physical reality and describes it, or in a sense defines and creates it. Geometry was physics before physics was physics, and geometry will replace physics again. It will just be a higher order of geometry than people now can understand or relate to, but the universe is nothing if not symmetric. All seeming asymmetry is just following patterns we do not yet understand or have the means to recognize how they fit together with each other and the symmetries we understand already, though incompletely, without them.

A goal which required understanding multiple dimensions across multiple timelines from multiple individuals points of view. In short, how just about everything one can imagine about the universe fits together. Not optional. Required. And soon. Perspective-wise, unification theorists are like children playing with toy blocks (of a single 3D universe or timeline), where I must figure how multiple overlapping 3D closed spaces or universes fit together by playing with tesseracts (comparatively speaking in terms of goals only, I don't have any real tesseracts to play with, though physicists could really play with blocks if they really wanted to :-)

People think you can understand the Universe and explain everything via one timeline and one definite reality. This is perceptual. It is a lake, but calling the surface of the lake you see in front of you, and think that surface is the whole lake. If that plane is the lake, then imagine many lakes beneath it stacked. The real lake would be all of those "surface" lakes crisscrossing in ways you cannot imagine seeing it only as a 2D sheets. The same with a 3D plus time universe, you must see that as only as the surface of the lake crisscrossing in ways you cannot imagine viewing only one timeline as real. Since I try to know the whole lake at once, all possible timelines, I still pay attention to the surface, but know that surface is not what I seek to understand and instead focus on how to think in terms of the whole lake I can still even yet only see parts of it at once, though gradually finding new organizations or ways to understand or relate to "depth" dimensional ideas as well, which I am beginning to comprehend.]

Thinking I was dying (at times my health was very bad) or that WWIII (most won't know how close we came) was about to happen unnecessarily, that time was running out so to speak, trying to force open that door was really the only logical thing to do. Stones not overturned and soon seemed no longer able to be reasonably put off and still have time to be overturned later.

        At one point my health was so poor, heartbeat so irregular I went into Walmart before going home. I feared I might not even make it through the night and wanted to be around people just in case that would be my last chance to see people at all. It is not a perspective that comes cheaply or is sought after, but is rewarding. It is wanting nothing from anyone, just to see what there is to see if a few more hours or a few more days is all that you have.

        One of the lines from my "5D" notes, like the last post here about the dead bird, also very short and cryptic was "Road to south side of Maui." It was from January 2005, my future or future choices or paths was narrowing greatly for reasons other than health, but just as seemingly great a lessing potential of futures to be lived growing narrower and narrower, fewer and more precise ways to go, that to remember that time, those events, and that concept I wrote down... "Road to south side of Maui."

        What it refers to is the one and only time (so far) that I drove to the south side of Maui from the southwest side. The road kept getting narrower and narrower, I began getting more and more afraid of damaging my car, getting stuck or hitting another car (sharp turns). Eventually the road narrowed to almost a single lane through a small area of trees I could not see beyond and I was sure I was going absolutely nowhere. But I did not turn back, risked hurting my car (low to the ground) going over what I think was a cattle grate, and getting stuck, and literally was in awe on what was on the other side. The road opened up again just beyond that point to not be so narrow and the scenery though desolate and plain, no trees, no green at all, just rocks and cliffs and ocean, it was just jaw droppingly amazing.

        Not to say that is what death is like, but I was glad I did not turn around that day, and reassured myself at the time I wrote that line, by writing it, hopefully that after going forward through that time, a new vista would open up again one day where I would find myself somewhere beyond what I imaged before and in a new set of circumstances in an unforeseeable or unforeseen place. I have said in other places, I have long since have lost my fear of death, even had at that point, and worry more about the narrowing of choices more than what lies beyond any narrowing if the one road that is left leads one day to none.

        Moving beyond it or getting through, one way or another, will take you somewhere else you can't see around now, not for certain or with perfect clarity anyway. And if there is to be nothing after it, then you have nothing to worry about. No car getting stuck in the middle of nowhere on a road a tow truck might not go to help you. Not much to care about at all really. But if there is something that comes later, prepare yourself to be surprised. It, like wanting to know of such things, is almost inevitable, just in ways you can't imagine or see or understand yet because you have not experienced it yet. But like everything you have not done yet, or even might do, is a part of you now in ways you may not understand yet either.

        As I wrote a few years earlier similarly with even more self-assurance, and closer in time to the big changes I was going through, "A way to go forward will always appear as opening before you. You cannot go back until all the ways forward have been traveled, tried, and exhausted, and even then what seems behind you exists only ahead and can only be reached by going forward."

        And even more so, "Reality is full of truth you don't want to know and would rather not think about. Enjoy your ignorances while they last, for someday you will wish to know and think of them." And back to the nearer present, from the most recent post at Truthrevival.org, yet still quoting those same days and time in my in the past, "And in the end, not realizing it, not conceiving of it as an option, letting some truths go unknown until the end of time, it is not even a possible viable option. Truth will seek us out to become known, even and most often when, we spurn it."

        Time to move on to newer ground. Been quoting myself too much for years now without bothering to try to be saying anything new or notable or quotable anymore. End of clip shows, barring WWIII of course.

1:34 AM

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

Q9 Reborn Darker: 50% More Twisted Macinations and Blackened Gaits of Fate

... (The cover was a Tesseract! Big time deja vu on that one.) The title referred to the fact that all previous collections ended up divided into 9 sections, and this one was also, thus Quadra 9. All except Triumvirum's 3x3 format were just coincidentally divided into 9 sections. I can't compare this collection to the others. It just exploded creatively. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. When or where it worked, it was awesome though. Occasionally dark and twisted, yet never without a purpose or soul. ...

PolSci.com (Original index page)
(and every index page there since then), Early 2004

Not to say this collection is that great, but it is for me is what people write poetry for, to create something better than you are, to channel creativity into something really really good. After this, I had no need to prove myself to others. It is as good or as worthless as anything people do, and it was definitely a real collection. How to divide it up, how to try to make sense of it, that was more difficult. The strangest ones, with made up words, olde English quasi-Shakespearian (lots of Thy's), and brilliant imagery left me wondering where it was leading. It was definitely stranger and better than the ones before it, and a bit darker. I had touched on serious subjects like Death Squads in Central America, the literal raping and murder of Amazonia with Triumvirum, but Quadranine came closer to a fuller viewing of what people really are behind their self-images.

The original order I think is important. It shows how I was interpreting it, one poem at a time, then rereading them. These are good, what next? Where is this going? WTF is it all about? It is strange enough and a big enough of a collection I really still do not have a clue about that. Many of the subjects I have touched on in other things all my life. In some left-out mostly forgotten poems here, I have seen glimpses of ideas which would only come into full bloom or focus years later, but because those ideas were right here then, I can't say I was not aware of them. Artistically, poetically, absractionally, we are always aware of everything we might do later if we get the chance. All we need is time to sort it or let it out.

Summer 2006, Intro to Quadranine: The Original Uncut Version

Quadranine is moved up on the site because it is the best one I did and it is now restored to its original form. In the last thing written in that notebook was the following line, "A survey of the belief systems people have and the courses of action these beliefs impel them to take." It says little to others perhaps, but to me, that sentence speaks volumes. We are set on courses of "fated" destinies because of what we have bought into, and cannot reconsider while moving. The faster we are moving, the less perspective we have and eventually those movements and those "ends" are all we see and know. I know nothing is fated and all "ends" can be changed. Ideology is what makes us human, separates us from other species, but it is ultimately to be chained to past ways of thinking at the expense of the future and of freedom.

The World We Inherited, The World We Will Leave Behind, September 4,2007 TruthRevival.Org

I did not like the idea of just using a 4 sided pyramid on the cover of Quadranine, nor even one mirrored below it. I then thought of using the same symbol or shape (an octahedron with a line in the middle where "touches" or is in "sync with" this world, a "base") configured in a cube shape with the 6 four sided pyramids pointing to the center of the cube, the bases forming a cube, and the other 6 pointing away from the center outward from the dice shape as points. "Four without and four within..."

I liked the idea of this adding the number 12 to the mix, but the problem was how to draw it so it would not look like a mess (as much as it did when I did draw it). I then thought both representations together, a mess of 12 four sided pyramids (6 octahedrons) in a cube shape with 6 pointing toward the center of a cube and 6 pointing away, next to a regular 4 sided pyramid. But the 6 pointing away was to be the same concept, a mirror image of the other "outer" six but pointing into a "ground" equally from the other "inner" 6 and that "ground" touching the edges of all 12 pyramids at once, a 3 dimensional curved "ground" (the cube between the 12 pyramids) which was really flat somehow (from a 4 dimensional viewpoint, I understand now, seeing a 3D shape as flat, a "ground" as we see a 2D plane as flat) but also at right angles to each outer and inner pyramids along the edges of the cube. Also that the tips and edges of the outer 6 meet up somewhere away exactly the same way as the inner 6, equally mirroring how the 6 inner ones touch, only seen as such when viewed at a different angle.

This was representational of a 4 dimensional object or curved 3 dimensional space around itself. Just as every three dimensional object is a representation of a 2D plane or "space" curved around upon itself, 4D "objects" can be envisioned as curved 3D spaces or universes curved back upon themselves forming that "surface" area. I know now that that was what I was thinking of but could not fully recognize it then in that way yet. When I later that year came upon a wireframe drawing of a tesseract, (the exact same concept or drawing from within middle inner cube when the cube in the innermost area is not a cube but is instead seeming to be a single point) I saw that that concept was more easily drawn and recognizable, and was also an easier to understand concept of 3 dimensional space curved around a back upon itself, and in a single symbol, not two (the way I had previously represented it), both of which were confusing and were two different views upon the same idea which had to be combined mentally to be understood.

Still here; Charles Williams novels; Not going Galt (or Gault) anytime soon anymore
JaredDuBois.com, 4/5/2009

      Since the second post on this blog (Repeating Repetition again, August 7th, 2006) was some lines or quotes from what was then the newly restored version of my "Repetition" collection of poems, dubbed "Repetition Reloaded," I figured I would do the same with the second post back (after a gap of almost 2 years) here, putting up some lines taken from the Quadranine collection since it has also been restored to its original form.

      I refer to it as "dark" or "darker" than the others but it was not really that much different. It was written in a very turbulent year, 1989, 20 years ago this year. Mostly what was removed was simply to try to get it into categories, not always to "lighten" it up at all. Individually, I still think the poems in the Pentacle collection were even better, but it was not the same type of collection because Pentacle was spread out over many years, unlike Quadranine. The longer or more times a work covers, it is not really as representative of a single or more similar time or times. For me, Quadranine and 1989 are linked together as that was the year over which it developed.

      Some of the imagery being stranger and more psychedelic may have a bit to do with the fact that it was the only other collection of poems, except for the first one, The Versatile Verse, in which I was smoking pot during the period of writing it. The election of 1988 did not go as I expected so I pretty much walked away from college for awhile (a fairly long while it turned out) disgusted with the idea of working in politics after that. It was not nearly as upsetting as the election of 2000 was, which was far more disconcerting on a whole gigantically higher level, and for many more people than myself. I stopped smoking pot again after a short time, before the end of 1989, but I am sure that influenced what I was writing somewhat. At least some of the strange imagery in Quagmire and Scares of Wont shows an effect. I had gotten much better at writing poetry by then so that collection combined a much more developed skill with, how shall I put it, artificially enhanced inspiration. It was an overlapping combination that would not be repeated.

      By the time of the Pentacle collection, as I have said previously, I was losing interest in writing poetry. I had moved on to writing songs for awhile for the added challenges of combining poetry with music, which is a different sort of category, more difficult in some ways, more superficial in others. “Wordy” songs, though they can be good and respected, are different than what most people expect songs to be usually. They expect constant or recurring repetition and lighter less thoughtful topics, as well as a far simpler vocabulary than I liked to use with writing poems.

      I tend to like to move on to other things and lost interest in writing songs after a few years as well. Writing long posts at TruthRevival.org was interesting too, a different type of writing form, as is blogging in general, with lots of variations on how people approach writing them. I liked the summation / overview of the first year of TruthRevival.org with The Lion, the Phoenix, and the Serpent retrospective. That could have been a good final coda for that blog if there was to be no more.

      Why I like to move on to new types of writing/art forms, I really don't know definitively. I can't imagine doing or wanting to do the same thing for many years. Learning new things to do creatively means a sudden rush of improvements until you find around what level you will probably finish off at, how far you might get. I don't mean success, money, or fame-wise, which are mostly irrelevant to me. To be financially dependent upon an art form has its own rewards (more free time to get better at it, more incentive to get better at it) but that has its own traps as well such as needing to be more conforming to what others would expect or wish to see, hear, or read. I am glad that other than software, (which most people don't consider an "art" form, though I try to view it and treat it as such) that I have never been dependent upon writing for an income, thus no incentive to do it or keep doing it longer, or for any other reason, other than because it interests me to do so at the time for some reason.

      So while getting Quadranine back into chronological order, at that time I singled out these lines quoted below as a mixture of what I thought were good lines sampled both from the outtakes, as well as from the ones which I felt were good enough to be in the “categorized” shorter version. It took years to get around to posting this anywhere, but since the last post here covered the cover design of Quadranine in great detail, that also seemed to make this a good time to mention the overview of the content as well. And here below is the long ago selected outtakes from Quadranine...

Living the life of a pariah
is a harrowing yet illuminating way to be
as you see a great fear hidden safely away,
a fear of ugliness or of imperfection
in people too immersed in superficiality
to know or care deeply for the minds within
and blind to prejudice's subtlest manifestation

- Sword of the Slight 2
__________________________________

Raise the pious high then drop them from the sky
while we eagerly await their flight or obliteration

Desecrate the scholars, let them see ignorance's power
and make them fear the inmates who dare to run the asylum

Cut the godhead's throat, destroy their myths then gloat
as we dare even praise ourselves
for being less believing than the rest

- Revolting 5
__________________________________

Toward injustice
I instinctively set my course
for with all that I am and have
I shall meet it head on full force

Gaining precious momentum
each moment of my waking hours,
I search to find the optimal path
to make even the leviathans cower

- Full Force 6
__________________________________

No longer lame by assigning blame
I light a torch in the underworld
hoping she'll see the flame

In the dark I grow faint at heart
as one crumpled little body
rips my world apart

- Runaways 9
__________________________________

A language is a precarious lie
which tells us we do not understand
Understanding is only a means to tell us
that some unseen force is in command

That is the lie which gains our trust
and makes us believe we are piles of dust
but once our lost culture comes of age
ignorance will mark the presence of a sage

- Sage 11
__________________________________

Those who seek to emancipate all
instead come to enslave as a consequence
To force any agendas through intimidation
is to doom its intents to irrelevance

- Conscientious Objectors 15
__________________________________

Thy nobles are but pawns and thy outcasts, kings
as pomp and circumstance strip away the cloaks
of spontaneity held dear by the precarious spirit
which presses upon all men to break the wake of God

- Thy Valley is High 19
__________________________________

And as the crest of humanity
sinks slowly into the sludge of refuse
while the ungainly chart the course
for a ship of states
set adrift upon a sea of eternal greed,
shed a tear for lack of rain

- Quagmire 24
__________________________________

Efforts to educate are lost
as they tear you down to pay the cost
of keeping the walls of ignorance standing
and send you off for rehabilitation

Laugh hearty and play the knave
as you carry your insanity to the grave
unable to unburden yourself of truth
that you know in heart yet dare not speak

- Sane in an Insane World 27
__________________________________

That this very self is a part of a greater plan
soon follows from this and leads one to understand
that the very truth of being
lies in a conjunction of all hands

- Inre Gastion 29
__________________________________

Twisted machinations
and blackened gaits of fate
cringe the stout messiahs
who lie prostate at the gate

- Scares of Wont 30
__________________________________

The tide of time bears not
any mercy for the drowning
swept away by the flood of relentless subjugation
of a race which once was free
before the wealthy and the learned
defined what freedom meant

- The Eternal Yoke 40
__________________________________

What is not is our world and what is not is what it us
We are born into ignorance and live out acting thus

- Void and Null 41
__________________________________

Two very differing worlds
share all lands behind all boundaries
populated by those who chase their dreams
and those who live with despair,
two resultant outlooks which can never be integrated
dooms all futures on Earth

- Diatribe 44
__________________________________

Monuments to ravenous ideas rise as cold as the stones
which form their stoic base unyielding to the changes
that seek to chip away at the timeless void they seek
to keep humanity trapped in, unable to grow or to die

- Pillars of Stone 47
__________________________________

Stay free of them and ignore how they are condemned
by our indifference at their tragic way
of having to cope with the absence of hope
and the shadow of death every day

Live in a cocoon guarded by the goons
with the guns to keep them at bay
and kill your heart by living completely apart
from being willing to do what you may

- As You Walk Away 50
__________________________________

Judge me not by virtue of my ideas compatibility to yours
for you cannot know their true values without being me

Define me not by those standards by which you gaze outward
seeing only that which your palatability allows you to see

Measure me not for I am more than I may seem to be
because in my heart I am not caged by that which I am

- Measure Me Not 52
__________________________________

Still they asserted for the young to be proud
of the dictators and police state which wrought these things
for in the end the wrongs were made right and justice came,
albeit seemed a bit late

Both will helplessly forever read the official lines
and cheer their young down whatever roads their nations take
for neither are they innocent positive educations they seem,
they are the face of the states hold upon its youth

- Boy Scouts/Young Pioneers 64
__________________________________

Look down on me all you will
for I shall never look back up to you
Step on me and crush me
but you shall never beat me into submission

Take more than I could ever give
and you will still never possess me
Separate me from this world if you must
for if it is yours to control I do not want it

- Defiance 69
__________________________________

When there is ever more people
destined to fight for fewer resources
who dares ask they metamorphize
into brilliant creatures of virtue
free from the dank dark earth below?

Now our world is in another sullen state
but who will fight rationality enough
to reach into the depths of the human spirit
and pull up some wondrous new aplomb
to save us again from proceeding consequences?

- Triumph over Reason 72
__________________________________

Suddenly death is everywhere
and tranquil serenity is forever disrupted
by the disarming preponderance of fear
which sets in upon the mood of the day
preventing all from complete recovery

Overnight chaos becomes the rule
typifying the terror embroidered within
the troubled hearts and minds of the survivors
who wander through the shattered ruins
in the graveyard that yesterday was home

- Without Warning 74
__________________________________

Inseparably intertwined with its culture,
the individual is more myth than reality
still it is the myth that acts thus
and it is the myth that dies alone
at last separating itself from all else,
digesting slowly the irrational truth
that never was it a part of anything
but that all else was a part of it

- Individuals 84
__________________________________

Choose your star carefully
by letting your whole being decide
for the direction you take
may, in time, become you

- Pointed Stars 86
__________________________________

Where will it come from?
Where will he beat me next?
In the living room?
In the kitchen while I'm making his dinner?
Or in the bedroom after the kids go to sleep?

Where will he hit me this time?
In the face most likely,
his favorite target,
sadistically savoring the chance to make my private torture
visible to the entire world

- Where Next? 87
__________________________________

...what it was he was only now finding he did not know,
this newness, this undiscovered incompleteness
lying beyond each new turn.

When suddenly and brashly he demanded his immediate release
he quietly was told that he held no bondage to lose
and that anywhere he desired to be lay waiting
merely for the moment and chance for he to choose
for moments are like coins tossed upon an endless forture
waiting to be taken regardless of where or when, or whose

- Vestabur - Part II 96

12:55 AM

Sunday, March 4th, 2012

Pentacle in the Center: Space dusted off, spruced up, and ePubed

Live strong and long
weak or fast, rich or poor
with each day,
new deeds must be done
each moment be filled
illusions of loss, truth won
and being as yet undone

       Seeing as the last post here, almost 3 years ago, dealt with my Quadranine collection of poetry (which I was at that time going over having recently restored it back to its original form), it makes sense that the next post after that one would be about my new similar restoration project with my Pentacle collection of poetry, the follow-up to Quadranine.

       I have been archiving my writings these last few weeks as well as working on new things. While trying out an ePub editor, I liked what I was seeing come out, and was making fast progress with using it. My writings which I wanted most to put into ePub form were my notes, the ones I call the 5D notes, written mostly while going to college in 2004 and 2005, but also bit before then and a bit after. Also I wanted to make an ePub (digital book) of the 5D notes blog posts which were most of the only ‘original’ writing I have done in years now, but most of that is dealing with the past.

       I don’t think either the Notes themselves, or much less a blog introducing them, would be commercially viable or even of interest to most people. Few could really understand the dimension or time ones in the notes, not that they were explained fully enough nor necessarily meant to make more sense than they seem to, and the notes about politics or religion would turn many off as well. However, I think the Raw Notes, or all of them put together, have enough good ideas whereas almost anyone could find something in them which they might really like, or find useful, or have enlighten them to things maybe they did not know of or had not thought about yet. That is, if they were to read them all, getting past the ones that appear to be gibberish. The seeming gibberish served many purposes, not the least of which to weed out those who might not push or see past it.

       When I fret about bothering to write things almost no one would ‘get’ or find interesting, I simply think ahead a few decades to what others might know or where their greater capacity for knowing and higher curiosities might take them, and think, why did I hold back? The 5D notes blog not only is meant as an introduction to the Notes and how and why they were written, but parts of that blog are only more relevant to people like me. Any who have read or know all of them already, and to put all of that into better perspective or context, or to build a frame around it, all without trying to revise them or change them.

       One post at the 5D notes blog (5dnotes.blogspot.com) in particular, Rivers of life flowing behind the scenes: Faucets, Eternities, and Probabilities Undefined, I think came out very well, and it illustrates how I hoped to set up each post and to frame the past notes beyond just being another collection of them.

       Beyond the Notes and beyond setting up the Notes, which as I said are of limited interest to anyone, if literally anyone at all, at least in the present, I also made an ePub recently of some of my TruthRevival.org posts. As a collection of writing, the TruthRevival.org posts are ones that I can point back to and say, these last few years were not unproductive, and were ones in which I wrote some of my best writing. However those essays are also I think of limited interest to anyone, especially since it is a digital book of what is already available free online, so it is kind of pointless to think anyone would pay for it.

       Not that I think only to do things that are commercially viable, nor even bother to try much to monetize the writing that I do. But putting things into collections is a good way of getting together what you did in the past and see how it relates to each other thing you did or wrote. And reading it on a digital book reader is a more comfortable and easier way to find grammatical errors or misspellings. I believe this is because with a book reader, it is in a different presentation and format than the form in which it was displayed when it was typed, on which you did not catch the errors the first few times you reread it after typing it (if you tried).

       Which brings me to the Pentacle collection. I wanted to see if the ePub format and digital book readers could handle presenting poetry in a fashion which I would find presentable and maybe one or two people might be willing to pay for. The ePub’s image covers make my poetry books almost made for a format like that since the cover art, also done by me, I considered to be an integral part of the collections themselves.

       I had five original collections of poetry to choose from (not counting recompilations of ones taken from those five) and each had a distinctive cover which are nearly perfectly sized for small digital ink book readers cover art. As I have mentioned here previously, I consider the fourth collection, Quadranine, to be the best ‘collection’ of poetry I have written.

       But I also have admitted, I do not consider those to be the best of my poems. Far and away, if I had to randomly pick one poem out of any collection to see if I considered it to be good, or wanted to be represented to others by that one single poem for what I can do or have done, the odds would be far greater to find such a good one within Pentacle on the first try than in any other original collection. Almost all of the ones I think came out best were in that last collection.

       And that makes sense. Pentacle was started nearly 10 years (and covers over 10 more years before the last one in it) after the first poem I wrote which I though was very good, and because of liking that one, why I wrote more. That was the poem “The Burnout” written at the age of 16, which I still also consider good. But after nearly 10 years of having written many poems, they had become much more polished, used a much greater vocabulary which made it easier to “paint” images with words with much more relative ease.

       But I never liked Pentacle as a collection because I never saw it as a collection, but more as a grouping of individual poems that did not seem to have an overall pattern to them. With the other four, The Versatile Verse, Repetition, Triumvirum, and Quadranine, at the completion of each one, I would then go over them and put them into recognizable categories to become chapters. With Pentacle, that was not really possible anymore. There were not enough of them to do so for a long while and by writing far less often, there was a lacking of overall themes to them or any apparent inter-connectedness.

       Yet in thinking to do an ePub of one if my poetry books as a test case, only Pentacle really sparked my interest, partly because I had not yet revised it by including its outtakes like I did with Quadranine in 2008 and Repetition in 2006. But more so I think, probably because I believe it has the best ones overall, and it is closer in time to how I think now than any of the other collections could ever be. The most recent poems may be more complex and abstract, but to me they are better formed and more representational to how I am now and what I consider to be my best work.

       As I mentioned on the very first PolSci.com index page (and has been on every index page since then), “Poetry just was no fun anymore with Pentacle. I began to feel every poem had to be better than every one before in every way.”

       In rereading each poem after adding on more, it was fun to see it taking shape, and becoming something better than anything I had done before. But I kept putting more and more pressure on myself to keep getting better, to make each new one the best I had ever done. It gets hard to live up to such self-expectations and becomes not enjoyable after a while to even try.

       So as I mentioned on the index pages at PolSci.com, I decided to concentrate on writing songs instead for many years and did not write regular poetry at all purposely. I erroneously said on those index pages, it was 8 years before I went back to writing poems for Pentacle. I discovered now, it was seven years or slightly less than seven. With the ePub version, I try to bridge that gap by including some songs written mostly during that gap which I thought were more like lyrical poems than songs anyway. And adding those to it makes the new expanded version of Pentacle have a broader foundation and is more representative of the different kinds of poetry which I was writing during those years, 1990 to 2004.

       Like with the last post many years ago, I would like to put some quotes below from different poems, from the known ones and the outtakes now put back, but as I said, it is too diverse a grouping of poetry to be pigeonholed as to say anything I can put below is representational. There are good lines throughout the book, and even too many good lines in some poems for me to pick a few from it and say, these are the best ones. However, I will put some quotes here, as with the previous post, from previously released and previously unreleased ones, to give a sense of the expanded work, that non-collection collection I have come to call Pentacle, the most recent poems, the best individual poems, and probably the last collection of poetry I will write.

So soar I shall in my final few days
forever reaching after what is and isn't there
in the mists of clouds of mystery and wonder
rolling over the world that was never really mine
as seen from above in bewilderment and awe

Starry-eyed and Boisterous

From the graves rise all the victims of self deception
yet the soul of the imposter lies nowhere to be found,
so artful was he at convincing all eyes they did not see
with the vision needed to surmount the edges convolux
that he saw not himself by them
nor they he by any morsel of the truth

The Imposter

Survival but at what cost we wonder
while each day learning how high that cost climbs
for knowledge brings only more responsibilities
to be shunned if we are to continue on and prosper
in an ever more arid and poisonous environment
killing all those whose lives possess real value

Outgrown Innocence

Where do the rules have any meaning
when they favor those who heed them none the least
and guilt far less than others feel for simple negligence
escapes those who begat it all

The Brink

Shies, the contemptuous praises be
as the praiseworthy are owed their acclamation
to the very perpetrators whose life long wrongs
they sought with their very lives to undue,
fated to have the enemies of their passions
eulogize to all their struggles and erst
putting it in a perspective void of truth

To Wit

Standing still yet in the midst of my life as it was
drives home the fact that I see not with the same eyes
nor shall simple pleasures and simpler notions of purpose
again stall my timeless voyage into that elusive eternal beyond

Plateau

Looking back you say 'Hey,
things might have gone another way',
but could they or should they you wonder aloud
none to proud of having allowed the tragedy you see
by hiding or siding with those whose clothes
tell all that anyone needs to hear

Regrets

Now is the time which threatens us all,
threatens to destroy the spirit within Man's soul,
poisoned by the raw bestiality unleashed
dished out to mankind and dished out by mankind
for despite all that we have and have done
we have not yet risen above indiscriminate vengeance
wrought because we suffer greater still yet
and only seemed destined to suffer ever more

Now is the time

Wondering where wistfulness went
my mind briefly yet sagaciously moves
to a time when I thought not of myself
before doing and maybe, before being
letting not preconception deny experience

Contemplating Freedom

Waiting while wondering why
you wait to live but not to die
leaving all of the living left behind
walking through today seeing only tomorrow
with yesterday's dreams still driving your eyes

Waiting

Yet life is not to be bargained with or upon
and false securities inevitably shatter
for the dangerousness, the uncertainty must prevail
for only they hold claim upon tomorrow's tomorrow
and with them whatever blessings go
for us to know would be to rob our dreams

Waking

Without the fire in the belly,
the gleam in the eye,
the pensiveness of the mind
driving me ever to new heights
I revel in the quietude
seeking to master the sublime

Ever unexpectedly, joy

So to life leave mystery and to death leave the facts
so cold and unchanging written in black upon black
for living is standing with the truth to our backs
facing the yet-to-be true, the ever changing track
surmounting the known with each little act

In Ignorance

May our God be as forgiving of we
all too often led by our power gone astray
yet bold we must be for it is only our way
and only courageous assurance will rule this day
and make destiny bow to thee

My Country

What asketh truth,
acknowledgment or actions,
understandings of under-achievements
or nothing save simply saying 'What hey,'
when passing before passing away

How Tastes Truth

Tomorrow I shall awake
to the dawn of a brand new day
unseen, unknown to any who live today
and think and dream and believe
that they know what with it will come or may
as I too asleep to it still yet hail its new way
and dare embrace, to touch, to taste
in haste that which casts today away
for the sake of forsaking this day that stays
too long making me gaze longingly toward unseen days
and praise that which may bring only greater pains,

Tomorrow

Falling through time
I pause to lose myself
deep within my mind
as each moment
fades into a blur
of what was and is
and things which never were
yet may be
if their voices are heard
as they clamor to me
to heed their call
to make their maybe worlds real
if they can be at all

Falling through time

When the dust settles I'm there again
once the land is on the mend
just waiting to start it up again
‘til everyone is dead or friends
What rules don't break I'm sure to bend
jumping on to the latest trend
riding shock waves that trouble sends
and winding up on top in the end
Where I work don't matter no more
'cause the thrill is what I'm living for
and maybe someday I might score
some brownie points for stopping a war

Supersonic

They were surprised someone so wise
could get so far so fast
Love and compassion just wasn't in fashion
so they hoped that it would pass
Not to be put down, he brought his show to town
and the people came for miles
They all held the hand of this golden man
and came away with smiles
After awhile they killed him after a trial
but even then this story didn't end
and continues all the while
People love him still and they always will
and they find him all the time
They continue the search on Sundays in church
and in their hearts, love, and minds

Give to Live

Once you fear it Christmas spirit fades away
Its out of place and gets in the way
Its just too hard to always say "Hey
its been good to see you and have a nice day."
Reaching out to strangers just isn't the way
we ought to behave we are taught today
but some soon tomorrow on some bright new day
we'll see others sorrows as our own we may
Round that time of year you'll hear the people say
this time peace and joy, they're gonna stay
long past this bright new day, hey hey,
long past this wonderful day

Long Past Today

Everybody, they've got their own
them that don't, they just stand alone
with nobody to call or phone
when they stand to lose their homes
Who'll listen when I need to call
who'll listen when my back's to the wall
If you lose you're bound to lose it all
Somethin's missin'

Who'll listen

Listen up and you might hear
what its like to live without fear
of the truth becoming too clear
What are you, do you want to know
or instead would you let it go
rather than risk letting it show
We are truth and what we say and do
denies us or lets us shine though
to know ourselves by the things we do

We are Truth

The storm grows outside of my door
a chill blows through all of my pores
Everyone knows the tragic score
friends meet foes and roses galore
Death has come ready to chase
reluctant ones free from its embrace
and what's won from the evil chase
is a peace gun aimed right at my face
I can't see the sun coming out anymore
can't see the world being brighter than before
Clouds have come, I don't care what for
Truth and hope, they just don't live anymore

Can't See the Sun

Play it again, please, play it until
all sorrow's forgotten and time stands still
memories run deep, too deep to kill
but like silent film movies, practicality will
Follow you heartbeat always until
it leads you to moonbeams silent and still
like wandering gypsies, we dance on the hill
on flowering tea leaves too bright to mill
Leftover romance, perchance to dream
seemingly sober over what it all means
weaning the break and breaking the screen
between heaven and heartache, shakenly serene

Silent Film Movies

On a garbage strewn street
an unshaven dirty man wanders
in a setting naively thought gritty
amongst the terrors of the inner-city
that show the mentally ill no special pity
Accosted yet again by vicious youths
he barely understood the exchange taking place
when they cut him across the side of the head
and there, in the street, in the dark
he slept silently as he slowly bled

Shame on the Rain

In borrowed suits in a rented hall
by dim lit skies we heed the call
to gather forth in stolen time
to feast again and savor wine
and dance and sing and laugh and love
and embrace all that life is made of

The Dance

Be bold or be not
engage now or all is lost
time demands you a miracle
and cares not the cost

Cornered

To reawaken once again with hope
that today may be the greatest day
that I have ever known or will know
which has been for any or just for me
free of lingering reach of past woe
so indelible in its vivaciousness
that is sets the mark for all days yet to come
making them all point back to this one
not with jealousy, envy, or resent
but with pride, warmth, and joy
of the greatest wish won or the best achievement done
or simply the day that life was the most fun

Reawake

The road is a curious way to be
touching upon others places
momentarily theirs is yours
and through them you see

Going Home

But to the creator only sadness
when there is nothing left to create
no grander project, no unwritten song
to be but a patron, a spectator of what is to come
and find life anew by breathing the works of others

Codas

What you'll be in the end is with you now my friend
find it in you or find it out here too
Whatever you see, you'll want to set it free
and make it come true
Here in your heart there's a wonder apart
from all that you see and what will be
is all inside you to find out that you
were what you needed to be

Here in your heart

Wherever its all leading to, it will circle back again
it isn't a matter of place, not even a matter of when
its just a song we sing every now and then
Sing it now as we sung it then
and it will be forever again
future, past, just a mask, somewhere now its then
From now until forever, I know that I will be
just one little voice, just one little me
saying whatever was still is in a place we can't see

Whenever you (Long Version)

A pulse of potential
like a voice exclaiming
“I am here, I am here, I am here!”
spreads out into the infinite void
forever until it reaches some somewhere
to create someone or something which can hear
like a wave seeking a beachhead
to break itself upon
rising up upon itself and spending itself
seeking only to change something
becoming itself only in defining the shore

Potential

One light can cast a single shadow on the wall
with many lights one hardly sees any shadow at all
but ever more lights breed ever more shadows to see
more shapes, more perspectives fleshing out what can be

One Light

No one is ahead of anyone and no one is behind
No one is leading and no one is following
We are all pulling each other along
What's behind, beneath, or coming up supports us
What is ahead, above, or past us is a way to go forward
Beyond those and that around us,
the Universe might not as well exist at all

No one is ahead

Each thing in the Universe
is what it wants to be
What you want it to be
is relevant only to you
and whether you succeed in changing it
is irrelevant
for it will have succeeded
by its existence and your desire
to have changed you

Each Thing

I see all paths spread before me
and I see where each end will be
but between every now and every then
every road we can bend
and any road or place runs between we can see

All Paths

@JaredDuBois -twitter
JaredDuBois.com
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Warnings are good, threats are bad, unless the same thing

Rays of light, but before the dawn or darkness?

Without truth ammo, smear them with 'friends' who are their shrinks

My New Dodeca-Toy and How It Potentially Aligns My Futures and Pasts